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  • Writer's pictureN A O M I - R O S E

Why Do Intelligent Women Remain Single?

Updated: Nov 25, 2023

I happened to be in my feed tonight and saw the “why do intelligent women remain single?” post by a relationship coach I’d never seen anything from before. Loved the question. And when I went to comment, of course, IG loves to shadow ban me and pull the controls wherever they can, so I thought, ‘why don’t I take my answer to my own blog instead and write a longer response?’


So, here we go: from a personal perspective as an emotionally intelligent, Empathetic, and independent, single, Faith-based, honest, woman and mother. And I will speak for all single, emotionally intelligent women who find themselves resonating the same.


We had to learn why we kept attracting emotionally unavailable men, lacking in emotional maturity, to begin with. Down to marrying one, having children, and going through an inevitable divorce when our emotional needs couldn’t be met and we had exhausted ourselves trying and giving, to the point of depletion. We had to recognize our own abandonment issues having been born into heavy broken, narcissistic-injured homes ourselves, dealing with the emotional, verbal, psychological, and or physical abuse our whole lives.


Ultimately, no one is broken beyond repair, so for the sake of moving forward, understand with the term 'Narcissist' I am ultimately saying 'Narcissistic-injured' - as it passes down through generations and we must reconsider how we interpret the term all together. As well as those dynamics (growth lessons) between the 'highly' sensitive (Empath) to heavier Ego based (Narcissistic-Injured) and sometimes, both have 'both' yet one may be the 'more' 'hidden' injured one.


Nevertheless. How can one provide true, solid, emotional intimacy, spiritually bonded trust, if we are with one who wears a mask at all, or has more ‘mother’ ‘father’ wounds than they let on. Which we also recognize in ourselves having been ‘chasers’ of those very ones. Conditioned since childhood. They keep all their hidden childhood wounds and secrets to themselves for fear of how they would ‘appear’ to others, as it is all about ‘ego’ maintenance according to what they perceive as ‘masculinity’ having been equally conditioned by ‘toxic’ masculinity in their father, to hyper-submissiveness in their mother.


This is often the case in Narcissistic-Empathic dynamics. Where a Narcissistic man is drawn to the empathy and nurturing, giving, devotion, loyalty nature of the Empath woman, but subconsciously views her as ‘weak’ while ultimately knowing she possesses what he lacks; as he equally ‘subconsciously’ viewed his own mother, regardless of her strong traits which he equally cloaks himself in.


The Empath is drawn to provide the perceived needs of the Narcissist, who is living predominantly in ego and therefore unable to remove the mask that hides all the true insecurities he holds. He is more afraid of losing her because he does recognize her attractive, transparent qualities and feels possessive over her or any attention she receives; yet, (again) operating from cloaked insecurities and Ego, tries to mask these fears even while lying to her face.


There is a never ending power struggle that ensues as a result in lack of emotional-validation to consistently play "Devil's Advocate" and he even uses the term like a trophy, as a means to appear 'challenging' for her 'betterment' when in fact it comes from the power struggle he holds with her emotional intelligence and intuition, that he refuses to validate, while 'proudly' playing Devil's Advocate. He withholds affection. He withholds emotional-quality time and conversation. He places work above her. Even during the most difficult times when she is in need of his support.


He checks out and stares into space as though she is unimportant enough to engage with eye-to-eye. When she begins to withdraw deeper into herself as a result, she starts to disassociate, as he is not a 'safe' confidant. Then he speaks behind her back and even takes unwise counsel from friends or family, without her input. As he equally treats her like a child rather than a respected, beloved partner. Even when she begs for marriage therapy numerous times over, his response is "that's for people who are getting divorced and we're not" - always deflecting from the fact that he was just one of 'two' in the marriage, and the reason she was in desperate need of it was because 'Divorce' finally was on her mind.


He was always the innocent one to 'everyone' else whose approval he sought, and because she didn't shame him to them, or complain about her reasons for being so unhappy which had less to do with her awakening and everything to do with her depletion after trying and trying to have her needs met; naturally she was the 'scapegoat' as was her whole life, and the one with the "issues" because he was the "Golden Nice Guy" - as far as anyone else was concerned. How on earth could she want to leave 'him'...


And to the point he could even concoct an elaborate story, blatant lie, of "dream visions" to test her "crazy" - as if she was crazy at all. Or imagining anything at all. He doesn't think ahead about any psychological damage and break down of trust that could ensue as a result. As it was not about 'her' but 'him' needing to be seen as loving and concerned to all around him, as the emotional boundaries she began showing him were ones he increasingly couldn't break or continue to control; while adding fuel to the growing distrust in him. Lying at all is never going to build trust, and she never thought she'd find herself having to explain that to someone she was supposed to trust.


To the point that he lies and denies when she presents her intuive evidence that she can not "prove" per se, all the more when he denies it. Until he does take ownership during and (years after the divorce) while still trying to maintain control over her, says: "Yes,I lied to you""You were right" ... yet until the ownership, as a means to hold on to her, he tells her she is 'imagining' things. And only takes ownership over his lies when there is no way to deny anymore and out of the ultimate fear of losing her friendship for good.


He changes for a little while, and when he feels he's passified her enough to the point she stops complaining, no sooner is he playing Devil's Advocate again. Telling her "go talk to______about it" or presenting the appearance of 'disbelief' in wnat she's saying to him, concerning her own increasing Spiritual gifts activating more and more in the intuitive and lucid dream space--removing any emotional-accountability from his side of the relationship. He is always needing to appear more wise and above whatever emotions and intuitive knowing she presents.


It becomes 'toxic masculinity’ when he is co-dependent on his Empathic partner to ‘be’ the representative of both, which he wears like a trophy, while not being emotionally available enough to return what she gives. He needs to control his ‘image’ for others. Societal status. Business status. ‘Keeping up with The Jones’ etc.


He cloaks himself in her energy enough to make her see him in the same light she sees herself, and initially she believed she ‘found the one' when he finally acknowledged her value and asked her to marry him after years of her pursuing him (prior to marriage), to walking away periodically only for him to come chasing when he thinks he's lost her love to another man who sees her for all her worth and beauty. In thinking marriage would solve the issues of her walking away from him to find love elsewhere, ever again, he finally asks her. Knowing how sacred she views marriage, having a deep relationship with God and having come from a broken home.


The lessons of the Empathic woman (loyal to his needs at the expense of her own) is to recognize that she cannot remain in a relationship that is one-sided in emotional giving. It takes time for the Empathic woman to recognize that her own emotional intimacy needs aren’t ‘able’ to be met by him, as she 'knows' she is only ever giving and not receiving the emotional validation she seeks.


There becomes an uneven distribution of energy. When that goes on long enough, she cannot ‘physically’ hold the energy anymore. Thus becomes the battle with her heart over her mind. And the battle to recognize ‘why’ she remains in a partnership that is draining her.


When she is the sole one providing the nurturing and emotional giving of her energy, while not receiving in return, she becomes increasingly depleted, and this turns into ‘toxic’ ‘femininity' which she recognizes in herself as she begins feeling more ‘needy’ and begging for something he cannot give. Regularly. Yet she feels an obligation due to her kind hearted nature and loyalty to keeping her family together, as she herself understands the wounds of a broken childhood with divorced parents and abandonment issues she hasn’t healed within herself.


She allows all the red flags to be seen as ‘something else’ because growing up it was what she equally saw as “normal.” Always taught “service to others over Self” - Spiritual Narcissism in fundamental religious programming, at its finest.


But she alone cannot hold the emotional intimacy for two, especially with children in the picture, and the loads of responsibilities there alone, with a partner whom she feels is also like her child, she loses her sense of what is truly satisfying in a balanced, mutual, honest, transparent and ‘healthy’ partnership.


She convinces herself that she is to blame for wanting out, because she was made to feel that service to herself was a crime, her whole life. And he equally feels as though he has a 'grown woman' child to care for, by means of 'obligation' as the sole financial provider, even though he is not. She raised 3 children of theirs, home alone everyday with them, and managed the flips on their homes which brought in immense returns on their overall real estate wealth.


Yet, even if she wanted to go out and work a 'standard' employment job, he needed her locked into her "agreement" to stay home and only work from home, 'while' raising their three children, under the age of 4, and all the household chores that come with being the 'woman.' Though he knows he could never do himself what he was expecting her to do. Even getting him to help wash dishes every now and then, came with pleading. As he had a mother whom did everything for him and his family growing up, he expected a wife who would do exactly they same. He'd even wake her up after a long day of exhaustion and having just nursed the third to sleep, just so she could massage his legs after another late soccer game of his.


To which she had always been the one showing up to watch him, until it was too hard with a family. And between his work, soccer, friend time, or watching football, she had to constantly plead for his help with the basic house chores to which he always expected exceptional recognition for the smallest of contributions.


He never took an interest in her hobbies or music, even when she'd sing to him and send him songs--no response all day until it finally came through: "that was great, thanks" - only admitting later on that he would look it up right away on YT and think to himself "wow she's 'really' good but I'll 'never' tell her that" even knowing her and all that she went through in her life as transparent as she always was. He used her loyalty and love against her. And only admitted to his lies years after divorce as a means to keep her emotionally invested so he could 'try' to win her back. She was too healed for that.


He would deny being control based or emotionally abusive at all, and in time, only after she finally walks away for good, he does acknowledge it and begins to relinquish 'some' of the control to continue being seen (Ego based) as 'not' controlling and fully supportive to give her time to herself, he agrees to pay for 'some' childcare.


She was conditioned by ‘brokenness’ and naturally, as a born Empath, always wanting to ‘fix’ it for others, for her parents, siblings, friends- at the expense of herself. She had to realize that when it was all she’d ever known, she would naturally continue to attract those whom would take, take, take rather than give an inch. Or only give an inch after she gave, gave, gave and begins to withdraw.


After she gives and gives and gives all that she can, and the true emotional reciprocity still  doesn’t arrive, because he ultimately ‘cannot’ provide it while in secret competition with her, needing her to fit in ‘his’ box. Needing her to believe she ‘needs him’ - and that she is the one emotionally co-dependent. His biggest fear comes true when she has her Spiritual Awakening and She understands the importance of self-love, devotion, worth and respect. As he begins to lose the grip on her that he believed he never would, his mask slips more and more. He cannot truly be happy for her when the attention is taken off of him and she places it on herself, recognizing her own need for deeper healing. His anger inevitably showcases in ways that even scared her, at times, in front of the kids. Though this was never something anyone else would believe for not seeing it with their own eyes.


The inevitable married therapists (out of desperation to keep her from divorcing him) even calls him "steady Eddie" - yet no one had seen his demons like she had, and even in therapy she was seen as the 'one' with 'all' the emotional trauma from childhood who wanted to leave a 'good man' because she couldn't receive love from him. It was a never ending twilight zone from him, to his family, to all their friends, to there on the couch of that therapy room being looked at like she was crazy for talking about the abilities and Awakening she had been experiencing as a 'Medium' of sorts. As though she was the arrogant one for deepening her relationship with God. Even at the expense of the marriage.


He tries to hide his competitive nature with her but she grows all the more intuitive to ignore it; no matter how hard he attempts to hide it and continue cloaking himself in her energy. Two people happy and in love, in an equal give and take partnership, cannot be ‘competitive’ with one another ‘at all' while expecting to have the longevity hoped for. This she finally accepts. As recognized stemming from her own primary care as a child, in what she witnessed before and after the age of 5.


When she becomes single, all the more, independent again, as she was ‘prior’ to him, while managing a household of her own, and children, she doesn’t find a need to ‘ever’ repeat the same lessons, nor could she when she’s elevated to the degree of healing after 6 years of divorce to an 8 year marriage; she would rather choose celibacy, and focus on her children and Spiritual wellbeing, deepening her Faith in God, over dating and sleeping around.


She grows beautifully, confidently, strongly in her sense of Self-love and worth that after so much time, doing it all alone, as she felt already while ‘in’ the partnership years prior, she resorts to being ‘content’ and at peace in her single-hood. Not to mention, when it comes to the ‘why’ - she’s seen how modern day views on ‘dating’ are so far from her traditional values.


She sees that ‘good men’ and Spiritually strong are fewer and farther between; not to be confused with ‘religious’ as an emblem of ‘status’ because that was also a lesson of her past; separation of 'religion' worn like a T-shirt v 'true' 'relationship' and acccountabilty to God, which leads to 'true' emotional intimacy with our partner. She projected onto him out of who ‘she always was' - a truly Spiritual (not religious) woman. She understands that ‘good men’ are hard to come by; that is 'honest' 'loyal' 'confident' (not to be confused with arrogance) 'healed' 'emotionally available' men. She still attracts ‘all types’ whether she wants to or not, while being seen as: grounded, independent, stable, nurturing, and a loving woman and mother. Yet, the red-flags in others are ‘not’ missed anymore, as she is healed having taken the time to focus on herself and fall in love with who she is, not in any narcissistic way, but from her Spirit.



Where she may have once settled out of loneliness, she is no longer ‘lonely’ in her aloneness. She had the time to spend with God, delving deeper into her Faith; the time to fall in love with herself in a way no man ever had. Naturally, she’s all the ‘more’ attractive at this stage, while all the more ‘selective’ so as to 'not' waste time with anyone trying to come in or remain in her life just to control or use her, to have ‘their’ needs met; while having any co-dependent issues of their own unhealed wounds. Mother wounds, father wounds.


She can see through very quickly and make her decision accordingly. She pays more attention to their actions than their hyper-flattery. She pays attention to the red-flags of inconsistencies. And she does not open her heart to emotionally attach where it is not ‘safe.’ But this no longer has to do with ‘fear’ as it comes from a space of empowerment. Not dominance nor submission, but self-knowing and worth.


She is seen as the pillar of strength that she has truly become and it was hard earned. There is an aura about her that translates accordingly. However, this time around, she is fully in her skin, her heart, and Spirit, not looking outward for anyone to give it ‘to’ her but to share in it with her. Not looking ‘outward’ for someone to fill the void she filled through that inward process with God. She found true happiness within herself, so should she ‘not’ remain single, it is ‘only’ because God brings in the man she prayed for, and all the qualities are there and present, time tested. She doesn't jump into projections of what she ‘wants’ out of someone, she allows them to show her, should they be attempting to pursue her in any way. She does not go out ‘searching’ for what she already found in herself.


She ‘attracts’ at this stage over chasing anything or anyone, or falling in love with the idea and ‘potential’ of someone v the ‘person’ they truly show her they are. Her picker is finally on ‘point’. But again, she doesn’t ‘chase’ out of any co-dependent need, nor wrap herself up in ‘physical’ attraction and ‘lust’ where ‘emotional maturity’ is lacking - she is far too deep and vibrationally high to repeat those hard lessons. She does not de-evolve but continues to evolve in her skin.


She would ‘rather’ remain single than in another relationship that is not on her level, as she will not lower her standards again. And because she is so strong, self-dependent, independent, and self-loving at this stage, she would ‘rather’ be in prayer and ‘waiting’ (without ‘waiting’)  until God brings in the man that matches her, over seeking him out herself, just to be on some dating app, treating dates like ‘interviews’ for one purpose alone.


She is able to ‘be pursued’ or hit on, rather than being the pursuer, and she does not ignore red flags, therefore, she is far more inclined to weed out the co-dependent from the independent; the ‘healthy’ masculinity from the ‘toxic.’


As she understands that ‘all’ whether male or female posses both feminine and masculine traits, which must be balanced within each person. So if a man does not bring her more peace than she brings herself, he is ‘not’ the one. And she determines that far sooner than later. No matter how strong she may feel a spiritual connection to one, as she is ever more in tune with her own Spirit, she does not place rose-colored glasses on anymore. She does not choose heart at the expense of mind and ‘logic’ - which helps her better guard her heart from being given to the “wrong” one. All are the ‘right’ ones no matter how long or short of a period she spends engaging, to help her in that process. As she sees the lesson in each, she gives gratitude to God for each one that may or may not be the ‘ultimate’ 'one' for her.


Which also comes full circle to gratitude again, which makes her all the more confident and attractive; and the fact that, again, truly ‘good men’ ‘spiritually moral’ and not wearing any mask or toxic masculinity or 'religion' by association; is ‘rare’ to come by in this modern day and age of the ways people “date” - She is not seeking, lusty "quick fixes” or sexual partners to be just another notch on their belt. She has grown far too content with who ‘she is’ and what she ultimately desires: a ‘life partner’ -and so she resorts to waiting on it. Deciding she’ll just 'know' when it truly does arrive, because she already learned what the other side of the coin ‘feels’ like and looks like from the ‘others.’


She will not have to fight for anyone not fighting for her while perfectly ok with lying to her as a means to control her narrative. And true, healthy love and devotion, she fully believes, should not ever feel like ‘hard work’ that drains her. But she’s thankful for the lessons of her past, which helped mold her to become the woman she was meant to, on her own… she had to know what the bottom of the barrel feels like, struggling to find the top, in order to fully appreciate floating peacefully at the top, never sinking again…with or without anyone to float next to her…


Naomi🌹

@stylemebird🕊️

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