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  • Writer's pictureN A O M I - R O S E

And to be so "lucky" @stylemebird ...

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

The love-hate (rather ‘hurt’) relationship we have with others may ‘only’ be resolved within ourselves, and by having that full inner-mirror disclosure of #real talk. The Truth is hard to hear and face sometimes. When we’re talking to ourselves and being truly self-reflective. There is the flood of advice that will come through, even if we don’t take it half the time. I hear it. Even if I swear by “healthy pride” as a deflective mechanism to avoid the deeper Truths or fears I don’t ‘really’ want to face or even think about if they’re not debilitating me, but are they?

How much does my own background or early childhood programming still come up to ‘speak’ in the form of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. To fear of not getting it right the first time. Fear of it not working out. Whatever ‘it’ may be. Fear of giving too much to others and not enough to self. Fear of people pleasing. Time management. Fear of reverting backward rather than moving forward. Fear of not being free. Fear of feeling trapped.

Fear of having to fight just to be who I am, confidently defending my right to exist. Not being controlled, micromanaged, or narrated by anyone but myself. Much more treated like a lab rat —the backfire of that is not fun for anyone. Yes, the fears can all creep in and they’re steady. As I remind myself, those days are over (hopefully) yet sometimes the residuals remain when going at anything ‘new’ and wanting to put all our faith and trust in it, while remembering our past.

I’ve never been the only one who felt that fear, it’s in the air. It’s in the water. It’s in the food. It’s not just in the early conditions of life or the realities of what we are up against in overcoming any obstacle, genetically pre-disposed or not. Early Trauma or trauma later in life. Then there was the fear of being alone and having to figure it all out ‘alone.’ Yet that wasn’t necessarily a new thing for me either. How to adult as a wounded adult and single co-parent to three, plus a puppy.

To manage a household and all that goes into that, alone, and ‘not’ get stuck in any kind of paralyzing fear with so much responsibility that consumes me in that ‘doing it alone’ feeling; been there. Don’t want to be there again or being lost in ‘analysis paralysis' of the past, or my true potential, and everything I still couldn’t wrap my head around. To finally making it into the single-family home we’re in now, after a couple of spaced-out real estate flips; two years here already and evaluating how fast it flew by, again. It’s gone by ‘so’ fast.

Taking calculated risks, and making strides forward to keep progressing in life, to do better and better every day. To set myself and children up ‘for’ the future. The focused current and end goal. And by definition of job title “Mother” by the way, isn’t it my job to focus on my children first. Every phase of their growth and future possibilities…if I don’t want my kids to be on social media, why am I? If I don’t want my kids to have bad vices and habits, why do I? If I wouldn’t want my daughters to allow _____________why do I? If I don’t want my own kids disrespecting me, why would I? If I want my kids ‘never’ giving up on themselves, why would I? If I want my kids having the best work ethic, 'do I'? I have to train myself to have an even stronger one. To be all the more self-driven.

And all the self-guilt of old bad habits not dying so hard, on top of fear-facing, takes a new form. It’s the ‘modern’ age and I’m falling behind to actually accept a lot of what comes with the best and most useful advice. Starting with ‘taking it.’ Social media can be a wonderful thing too, depending on how it’s used. No need for full blown pessimism on it. I’ve gained some invaluable confirmation to intuitive things, I wouldn’t have otherwise confirmed there. I’ve gained invaluable insight, steady inner growth and strength, by listening to communities deemed “taboo” all the same. Identifying there too.

I’ve gained invaluable insight of broader communities within humanity and God’s hand in it all. I’ve done and seen so much in life, met a broad scope of people, accomplished numerous things I wanted to, and still so much more I 'want' to ahead—driving forward to improve what I need to in Life, yet the fear that creeps in with any change and restructuring my life in a way that’s holding me accountable, and fully satisfying at the same time. Fear surfaces every now and then in my own belief in self, and ability to carry out the time and work it takes to broaden my financial horizons.

We all encounter and face fears on the journey of Life, as we learn, in time, how to face them and turn them in our favor. I can relate to a broad demographic of people because of it and vice versa. We understand what we are up against in the world and more than half that battle is 'ourselves' but nothing can change about our situations, unless we do first. Especially when working for ourselves.

I could think of a thousand more fears I’ve faced and some of them that I have overcome to a very large degree, (i.e.) fear of being alone for life—it’s near six years post-divorce and I actually ‘enjoy’ the independence as a single; not to say I don’t want to be in a relationship either, because that’s not it, just content either way, ‘not’ afraid of being on my own and enjoying that time in the meantime—not ‘alone’ when I’m alone, thinking of new ways to build on my foundation and placing momentum energy ‘there’ or just ‘chillin’ and not ‘needing’ anyone to do Life with me 'OR' wasting time with anyone playing games, calculating on me in ‘any’ unrighteous way.

How and why would I entertain anything or anyone treating me like they know me better than I do or have some need to control me. To other fears that I’m still working on, if I’m being objectively honest. And I know it’s normal to feel all of that. I remind myself of that, and it does help. At least I would say it’s as normal as it is for someone who is highly sensitive and managing a lot, needing to use their shields, discernment, and wits at every turn.

Being human and having to navigate ourselves out of our own mental roadblocks is part of the journey in mental health and self-help, so as to conquer any fear of not succeeding professionally or interpersonally in ‘all’ that we want to achieve. Starting with being fully healed and detached from old or projected narratives.

And ‘everyone’ experiences some degree of that fear; when jump starting anything new or reflecting on anything old, especially. When excitement can be mixed in with that fear as it all comes to the surface to remind me of all that goes into being ‘any’ kind of financially-free entrepreneur. For anyone that has ‘ever’ set themselves on the course of it, they know the same mental hurdles. That’s the Fool’s journey even for an Emperor made, or in the making of.

Or doing anything for the first time. The butterflies and nerves that come with it, but accepting that it’s ok to make mistakes, to be vulnerable, and experience some of that fear without rebuking it away. It’s necessary to put in the work and take risks, or there’s no 'real' reward. Not all fear is deadly fear. It’s for our growth even if it truly is ‘false evidence appearing real’ we are the ones to energize and magnify them or recognize, face head on to diffuse and evaporate them. As anything that’s really ‘false’ appearing real has to do with our own time-capsule for Awakening, revelation and inner growth. Mental, emotional, psychological health, inner standing, all the same.

The lesson in maturity is whether or not I have been willing to identity those fears in myself and have someone hold me accountable to using them as tools for growth rather than self-sabotage. Being vulnerable but not overly emotional. Heart & Head Smart. And any big life decision that needs to be made is hard to do where we haven’t considered how our mindset and words create what we are doing every moment. All the more hindering or strengthening our own potential. All the more holding back, procrastinating out of fear, or facing the excuses and fears head on.

Yet we have to take a risk here or there to find out our potential, right? So, we feel the weight of many things that come with those decisions. And we have to bet on ourselves or who else will? Especially in the face of adversity when we feel like we are one against a sea of others working together to take us out. Being in defense mode is all the same, energy consumption, but we need not go through it alone. We also have to be able to live autonomously on our terms where inciting ‘no’ harm or violence, that is, and be free to thrive in our own positive determined conditions and environments we provide ourselves, no matter what is happening. Prayer and meditation as we navigate what that looks like, to become a safe haven to ourselves in order to be that for anyone else.

Choices to choose from, late bloomer or not. Wise in youth or not. Everyone’s journey may look a little different and unique but it’s what all have in common that really matter as we seek to improve in any area and work together with others. Male or female or non-binary identity. We want Life, Liberty, and Happiness. We want Peace. We want Prosperity. We want Autonomy. And we wouldn’t even believe we were worthy of it if we didn’t assert that we are, and truly believe it, to then go after it. I say it and mean it, even in self-talk: we can’t give to others what we don’t have for ourselves, especially when stuck in hurt or cycles of bad habits we want to change; fears that are crippling or just crippling back in, right when we thought we had tackled ‘that’ one.

Reminding us that the healing and re-navigating of life truly doesn’t happen in a straight line. It’s ok to slip up. It’s ok to go in circles at times. It’s ok to try something new and feel ‘great’ about it or nervous. To feel misunderstood and ‘not’ have to prove anything with words, or all the freedom to either way. To allow for vulnerability and self-acceptance.

It’s ok to embrace every emotion and give them a rational voice too, even if that’s one we don’t share. It’s wonderful to win and it’s ok not to win. It’s ok to take the good with bad or bad with the good. I have to always remind myself of that in order to have more patience and grace for my mishaps or time allocated to myself to ‘get there’ with whatever ‘it’ is, in some hyper autonomous way of my own standards.

Looking for the areas to improve those too, so I can help myself and my children, and anyone else needing it and seeking it. Slow and steady wins the race, and we can all choose for ourselves how we want to win at Life, then map out those plans to get us there, leaving line items open for ‘The Divine’ to work in our highest favor. And knowing it’s only fair that everyone gets to win at some point. The world is big enough for everyone to shine in something, and in their own unique way.

Not being a perfectionist about anything because perfection isn’t real. Not competing with anyone, because it’s 'teamwork' that makes the dream work. But becoming a master of something can be the way to feel like we are at least striving ‘toward’ perfecting any one inner or outer art, trade, industry, or field at a time. Then inevitably we do.

Because even if practice doesn’t make “perfect” -we sure do get better and better at anything we are doing when we give it the right amount of time and enjoy ourselves as we are at it. Committing to what we are enjoying. Changing things up if we ‘aren’t’ enjoying ourselves or challenging ourselves enough in any given area.

Giving habits or vices up for a little while doesn’t seem to work for the long haul or can it with the 'right' mindset every morning at the top of the day. Committing just here and there isn’t enough to tackle the fear. I know I have to be ‘all’ in when facing any underlying insecurity, habit, or fear; slapping it in the face and telling it where to go, figuratively speaking. I don’t promote or use violence….

And every day give the right amount of time to assess those areas of my own life I have made strides in and can also improve on, to help myself and then others; better improve my own life and 'then' the lives around me, especially for my children and my pup. And the plights that capture my own heart. Committing to those four hours of work calls every day, M-F after dropping off the kids at school; a morning-walk or dog park with Paris. Laundry and kitchen one day. Bathrooms another day. Have the house tidied up by morning coffee and prayer time, 9AM—and some daily affirmations before I even get to any ‘professional’ work calls and follow ups by 10am.

10-2 to make those phone calls and attend the zoom lives to plug into others putting in the time investment too. Due Diligence as an entrepreneur. To school pick up and after school sports. Yes, quite a busy schedule. That’s life for most parents at this stage as it is, all the more while trying to get a business off the ground. I suppose that would be a fact across the board for those who understand the hurdles and patience that must come with entrepreneurship while managing a household as a parent or single, co-parent.

All the more with multiples, I get it, you get it. Life is just busy. To scheduling in lawn mowing or raking, groceries, car errands, deeper house cleaning, meals (the usual load) - to inevitably any rehab projects I have going. I can’t afford to invest energy in any kind of drama or old hang ups. I can’t afford to look back anymore. I can’t afford to chase anyone for any reason at all. Or to pull anyone up who is kicking and fighting 'or' trying to pull 'me' down. While wanting my energy around at the same time. Gone are the days when I didn’t have enough respect or sense of worthiness in myself to spit it out directly and without fluff. Things have to change, and we have to make that happen. No one is going to do it ‘for’ us.

And with only so much time in the day, as a work for self-parent, it requires that ‘all in’ commitment. I’ve struggled there with having so many interests or projects in the works for years on end. Life can seem overwhelming with a lot of responsibility any given day or week we carry the load. While wanting to pursue our passions just as much as those financial ventures. And to set up ourselves and children for success. To be there for the ones we love, all the more. We have to be able to acknowledge and accept our fears and weaknesses in order to even turn them into power, strengths, and success stories— by the days, weeks, months, years. No matter where we’ve been before.

More and more unraveling of who we really are. And to be honest with ourselves and 'about' ourselves, to anyone we know or meet, because we don’t grow otherwise. To be honest with the patience required to ‘get there’ and to learn new skills or mental habits. And to never stop being a student of Life.

"Work smarter not harder” motto through lifetime memories of earlier days. ‘I’ needed myself to be in the mindset to attract what I wanted and not what I didn’t in any ‘lack’ or victim mindset. For any position I’m in, to work around that on-call, mom-duty clock all the same, even when they’re not with me any given day or week. They’re number one. Will always be. And being the one the school can call to pick up when they’re in the nurse's office. Or being the one who is up with them at night; being the one who can take them to their appointments.

Motherhood in and of itself is a full-time job, on call 24 hours of the day, and seven days a week, even as a co-parent, because 100% my kid's well-being, opinions, and constructive critique is what has to matter before anyone else. What God and they think of me is all that ultimately matters to my Soul. Making sure they never feel like anything else is more important than them.

So, we can choose to be perpetuators of our own pasts and gloom-doom stories, repeat old mindsets, patterns and cycles; ‘or’ motivated prospectors, purveyors, and pavers of our own future forward; and not just for our own sake but the futures of others as we share, network, and give back. Help others as we were helped along the way, in the packages they showed up in. The bad with the good. The good with the bad. Making it all ‘good’ somehow.

Is that not the Art of Life, Faith, Autonomy, Alchemy, and Detaching from the narratives of any other or, any on us 'due to slander' of another. Being able to live consistently in a calm, cool, collected, contented, lighthearted manner, regardless. And experiencing true inner peace with what we’ve done and been in Life--and where we’re heading, even through the mistakes of our own, or projections of others onto us, we know it’s ‘all’ relevant in some form of a life lesson. I have nothing to be 'but' grateful for that.

What has to do with me and what doesn’t--- learning to leave what doesn’t, in peace and discernment. As we strive toward kind, honest, assertive and humble character in our interactions, with anyone we are reaching, unbeknownst to us or not--simultaneously. And eventually we do re-discover our passion and Joy. We 'do' gain the healthy confidence we need to keep going. And to truly believe in our grit for it. I don’t know when, but somewhere along the line, I did lose it and ‘had’ to find it again. It took time.

To be betrayed and thieved from and see no real Justice take place as far as I could tell in the moment; but I was looking for it and that was ‘my’ problem. Not just ‘looking away’ and ‘trusting’ that it would arrive on time and may look different than anticipated. As far as ‘my’ Justice playing out for ‘me’ could go, and not worried about karma or what anyone else is receiving. Not my place to be looking or needing to see that.

It always does work out, when we stay the course, and say ‘this’ ‘that’ or ‘better’ and believe it True for ourselves, willing to go after it with integrity. Regardless of setbacks intentionally inflicted by anyone else or myself, I can ‘choose’ a new way of doing things. That’s the choice. The part I ‘can’ take action on in navigating myself through, regardless of anyone else and what they say or do. Now that drives me forward too. To feel new perspective that softens the heart or works in my favor---humbling. No matter what anyone else has going on (which is about them) if it doesn’t have anything to do with me, unless I’m made aware that it does, why am I invested there? Right.

We feel it in others or ourselves and it’s that little tingle of “yes!” -because we are wired to thrive off of using that internal navigation system and having a healthy relationship with it, while not ‘really’ hearing it ‘at times' 'at all' and all the same—Life will show us that. In the need for human connections to share it with, as much as the relationship we have with our ourselves and inner world---knowing so many of us could struggle to express while gravitating to those who do.

Opening up is key. And that starts on a solo level, getting Soul-low sometimes in that process. Yet, no emotion or struggle is invalid. Unlocking our vulnerability takes work. And believing we can turn a negative situation into a positive one, requires willingness and optimism, and being in the right mindset to receive what we ask for.

It hits us like a ton of bricks when we push middle age and start thinking about the second lifetime within one. What a eulogy might look like. How much did I succeed in the first? How much did I really learn or screw up in the first? How much am I’m going to carry over of that? How much can I account for and change so as not to repeat unwanted behaviors in the second half of this Gift of Life:

“I need to change” (Self voice)

“Naomi, this_____has been your problem.”

And the Awareness had to be 'within' for me to even be receptive to recognizing areas I’ve struggled in--deflected in- held myself back in, or 'overcompensated' in—and ‘needed’ to change. In other words, how I as a ‘whole’ person could translate to anyone else, as a result. How I could be showing up in the world and not realizing it having not looked through enough objective, self-reflective lens.

Hopefully, transparently; and not because we need to pacify anyone else or be sorry for our human struggle or emotions expressed—but because we ‘do’ want a better relationship with ourselves and a network of solid people we can trust and count on to actually ‘care’ to share too. But we don’t always see ourselves through the most accurate, objective lens when we are emotionally trenched and struggling to keep our head above water; or so self-focused that we can’t see anything else. While utilizing our Inner Voice and form of personal expression at the same time. And that’s why we will always need others to really soundboard with, connect with; thrive, and grow with in Life.

As I begin a new chapter, a new year, which is already underway; one that pulls back or maybe, eventually, off social media all together----to keep it to my website when it comes to the blogging. I know it’s time to be focused ahead or I won’t be achieving those 3-5 year plans as a self-sustained, financially-free individual and single parent. Unless of course, I plan to rely on 'primary home' flipping every year or two as a means of income and moving around to new places. All possible too. And it’s been fun. Even if I could just as easily see us staying here a few more years or for the long haul.

Sometimes the plans from 3-5 years ago will change--and sometimes those plans come with a lot of work, sweat, and even tears, but rewarding; for no other reason than I ‘enjoy’ it. And it’s financially sustainable. I have worked out my own long-haul recipe to it with or without a new capital venture underway. I will continue to invest in myself and my children’s futures. Work toward being a real estate mogul 'one' day just around the corner...and just because I decided "Yes!!!" "I AM worthy of it!"

And the outlet that writing is for me is a huge part of that mindset. A fresh weekly perspective. A space I can wear my thoughts or mood, or life happenings, and no one is scrolling their feed and 'forced' to see anything. You're here because you want to be. Less intrusive place of being ‘me’ here, living and genuinely loving life, in my own evolution and expression of it, through all of it thus far. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the better. Through the trials, tribulations, and little victories along the way. For whomever crosses my path or vice versa, I know it’s for the mutual benefit in spiritual and interpersonal growth, either way. And here, a place that’s my own, yet ‘not’ integrated in the ‘online’ greater public forum of others.

A space where eventually I can offer services I do as an entrepreneur and independent contractor, and Spiritual Advisor as I 'choose' with my 'free-will' to say "YES!!!" to God's & my own, calling over my Life in 'every' area of my Life that I am invested in----wholesaling real estate and reno-fixer deals (material plane) to the Spiritual as it 'all' ties together---and thus can be all encompassing if I'm not getting in my own way, trying to restrict it. Doing what I do, I talk to the 'layman' in any demographic, in addition to ‘blogger’ and so I guess, we’ll just see what comes of such a space here... self-therapy if nothing more.

To share my life—failures and successes. A landing page to look back on one day. People can read or not, engage with me (respectfully) or not. Join my journey or not. Share with me yours or not. It’s lovely to meet and network with likeminded individuals seeking that inner healing and personal growth for themselves; because that is how we continue being challenged ‘to’ grow in ‘new’ ways and understand an even broader demographic. And yes, that’s another fear I’m facing head on, as I write this. Getting into the next level of education, training, networking, working with and building on new professional relationships after being so used to doing everything alone, with the right hired-help when needed of course, nevertheless.

Because like them, I’m just here breathing air in the world, or on the internet land somewhere, not trying to sell anything to anyone who wasn’t already considering and in the market for what I do, share, or write about, as the kind of individual 'few' have actually taken the time to 'KNOW' without faulty projection. And in my own inner space of refection, when it comes to giving back to God, myself, my children, and the world (at large) in whatever creative or helpful capacity that can be; wanting the 'BEST' Life I can achieve for myself and children, and the "BEST' Life for all those I meet, cross paths with, and see the same hunger within---along the way. Those I’ll never know my own impact on (entirely) and those who won’t (entirely) know their impact on 'me' --- but it’s a ‘good’ one. Positive contagion.

By God’s Grace and my commitment to Him, to show up for myself and children—a balance of that work, family time, and creative time. Wherever the bird takes me with blogging as I go along and being open to the goodness and blessings that come in different packages, amidst any struggle or obstacle or total mental re-route.

I’ve been there a handful of times over in Life, even when I thought I was moving in a different direction. The Divine re-routes me at times, often based on the outcome of what is surrounding me, the free-will utilized by anyone else invested in me (for better or worse) for the good or not. I have to listen or I self-sabotage. May have to 'again' ----embrace the curveballs of Life, and maybe even again and again.

But knowing I’ll be sustained through them. That’s the assurance. Because when they’re being thrown at me, they’re ‘happening’, and when they’re happening there’s a lesson in it for my ultimate growth and ‘Souls’ satisfaction, as I actually look for what that lesson was. What Life is like in 'another' body or mindset of 'any' other, and what it is 'teaching me' about 'myself', for better or worse.

Most of us can relate there by the time we’re pushing 40, middle aged, with a lot of life experience but still ‘not enough’ as we tell ourselves. Even if we could be overqualified or under-qualified in any area. Are we willing to learn and to keep it real with those we are learning from as well as those we are sharing with, or teaching our own craft to. To get up, dust off, because you’ve crawled the path, now walk it. And eventually you'll run it, and 'then' learn how to fly.

The vehicle you came in (body) is not a prison or a holding shell of sorts, not a "trap." Officially on a website blog separate from social media, in this regard, because I got quite tired of the energy that comes with posting these kinds of things. Sharing pieces of 'my' Life, some will or have already called ‘insane’ and gathered together to take me out - and to that I say…

So be it...If you're able to...and suppose the next question should be, if you were 'able' to take me out, what's to come of your 'own' Life, if I wasn't 'ever' wishing anything but healing for 'you' and you made me the enemy instead, assuming (as you have) that I "must" be "doing" what you are doing, to me, and then justifying it...nope. You're on my radar or not, but one thing I can say across the board, if you are it's 'definitely' 'not' because I'm doing 'any' thing in the avenue (stalking and all for 'ill' intent) ... no, we are not the 'same' there.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions; doesn’t mean I make them my own. Yet, keeping that archive of Life events and writings, as my copyright to those happenings. As well as that measure of interpersonal growth (for myself to measure) in a year or two when I look back on ‘this’ often ‘rough’ year. Another thing that’s helped me in making general 3-5 year plans for myself. Looking at what worked in one way but not another, and working it in an improved way, so as to make it a more seamless system.

Setting goals that come to fruition in that time frame if not sooner, by not placing too much pressure or stress on myself to produce, nor overly focused on the externals, while paying close attention to the details at hand. In prayer so I don’t worry. Relax. Let go. Flow. By giving myself the time to be inward, spiritual, philosophical. The time to feed my Soul; I show up a thousand times more confident for anyone else. We all wear many hats and moms are among those who wear the most of em’ without much of a choice; but even if we had one, we’d still want to be ‘the’ one our kids turn to whenever they need ‘mommy.’

Reminding myself, I’m not alone in that nor ever was. Looking back only to have a timeline of events that actually took place through the last handful of years in single-life and motherhood with it, while sharing on Instagram in my ‘journal like’ ‘unconventional’ reporting style, or what was ‘intended’ to be at least, of anything I could be speaking up on in the world, or going through myself, documenting openly.

Regardless of how I whimsically or assertively express those events- moods, emotions, that come with saying what I mean and meaning what I say; ‘unless’ someone or any team of others can treat me the same or better than I treat myself, they aren’t anyone I need to be collaborating with.

I’m generally consistent in the same mood: content and chill. Unless otherwise ruffled by the things people ‘try’ but you won’t see the bull in the China shop unless it’s ‘really’ coming to ya. Because it takes a lot to get a bull ‘turning away’ from their loyalty to anyone trying to slight, compete, infringe on their livelihood, or trespass their property and personal privacy. Yeah, I can show my horns too, and I have. I can take back loyalty from anyone who abused and broke my trust, but love and forgive them anyway.

I will say, solving cases and defending myself from true voodoo warlords and criminals, was not on the agenda in the birth of @stylemebird, nevertheless- “what’s to hide? - nothing.” That was / is the motto. And if it no longer belonged up, archive. Keep it a simple space.

But as I sort all things out, dividing between my personal life, professional life, and creative projects, or the choice to communicate or write openly or not, it’s what makes the difference in life; it’s what makes it all somewhat clearer and easier to navigate through when I talk-write myself through anything I am looking at or setting my mind to moving forward. And with optimism and self-encouragement, I know I’m ten and more times likely to have all the confidence it takes to get up and do it. Make it happen. Master the art of cold calling and communication.

Writing is often the vehicle my intuition uses because I tend to be most balanced and ‘in touch’ and action-oriented, when I can process my thoughts or intuitive hits in written form. For the benefit of myself and any other engaged. As if I’m calling back my own energy and clarity, finding that ‘next’ or final step in the right direction for my own process. It works when I apply it. It doesn’t when I don’t.

And I’ve always thought ‘every human who’s lived and walked or worked this earth should leave some piece of themself behind in their own writing….Something that says: “Hi, I was here” -if nothing more, because every Life matters to the bigger picture of connectivity; raising the vibration of consciousness on the planet. Ancestors that we ‘are’ and all…

Not thinking social media would turn into my battleground either, several years later, being censored and scammed out of thousands with a start up business, corrupt corporations or government agencies trying to hack my identity, steal anything they could; and what felt like a true series of ongoing tests of my patience and character. All the more when my own lender was ‘trying’ to take my home. Or my own family convinced I needed some intervention but didn’t have the right to be included in on any conversation about ‘me’ and anything I was going through.

Add to that being followed by CIA and FBI, censored, and shadow-banned regularly by those who run such illicit and illegal ops on the faith based or Super-Empaths, because we are Super-Sensitive in our senses and intuition. We can and will navigate speaking up when and where we need to. Having my name and identity, phone number being used and framed by people and activities I wouldn’t ever be a part of, even if I’d met them before by ‘fate’ or being followed and targeted by under-cover agents—figuring that out all the same and speaking to it. Having calls from Russia and overseas I wouldn’t answer. To Nigerian scam artists and voodoo warlords trying to purchase handguns in my name and with my email address on PayPal. People calling me a witch of sorts with any kind of negative connotation to it. When I’m the furthest thing from it.

Having to report it online and to PayPal in the midst of that series of attacks. All the while like “What is this, God?” Having undercover agents put on me like I was some kind of illicit dealer, black magic witch, or terrorist. People trying to get in my space for spell-casting on me. Recalling childhood memories all the same, with priests in and out of our homes splashing holy water on everything. I was likely not meant to remember, by anyone trying to wipe my memory all the same, to military operating UFO crash sights I was not supposed to see. Nor remember.

And all the things they’ve tried to say I am and do. Almost laughable to anyone who ‘actually’ knows me for the Truth of me, as it has been comical to me, being the scapegoat to. Yeah, Life has dealt me a series of unfortunate and unfortunately ‘comical’ events, at the hands of those who ‘don’t’ know me but want my life as some sort of Hollywood sacrifice - or promise of ‘Divine gifts’ to those who’ve have had some sick agendas for me, for a long time; because I didn’t want to stay in Hollywood years ago… yet I’ve been called lucky and privileged too, somehow.

Suppose that’s what people call it when I just call it “God with me, answering my prayers for help” When I don’t know that luck actually exists. But attitude does. Faith does. Blessings do as a reward to that faith and actions taken to empower myself. Or if all it is for the Soul of every human: evolution and karma playing out.

And opportunity for personal Soul growth and taking accountability over the self. Healing generational patterns etc. I can find the silver lining in most anything and keep going. I can surrender to what I can’t control. I can disappear and come back stronger for having rested more, prayed more, and a little more inner work; in a time I am willing to surrender, heal, and receive regardless of what kind of moon magic rituals are being put on me by low life Luciferian cult members.

I can be resilient and vocal in the face of that evil and adversity. I can adapt to change too. I can forgive. I can embrace each lesson with gratitude in time, and always move toward, rather than run from healing. Rinse and repeat. But conditioning myself to ‘expect’ hardship isn’t the way I want to go about life either, even if it’s what I’ve known before and I’m aware that sometimes it’s just that natural part of Life and God ordained to mold us for any kind of leadership in our own life or the lives of any other…. through it all.

In any difficult situation to navigate, it can only change when my perspective does. So, ‘lucky’ because even through unfortunate events, and unpleasant exchanges in defending my own existence and right to breathe, my right to autonomy, all throughout life—‘lucky’ because I had built the grit and resilience in Life, since childhood, and in my Faith, to overcome what was being thrown at me. Or anything I ever battled alone and in silence.

I wasn’t ‘hopeless’ either, and always carried enough child-like faith in God. Realism to process the emotions and optimism to get to the next day—and that was the first ‘gift’ from Heaven. Help in times of need. The Art of Detachment—the next gift. One I was ready to receive when I did.

The fuel I needed in my Faith, that God had a plan for me, to compensate all losses, emotional losses all the same; if I would just detach—if I was on board and willing to be invested in my own Soul purpose, He’d help me get there because Jeremiah 29:11 was always my Life verse.

He’d meet me more than halfway. He’d bring the right people into my orbit and vice versa as I would inner-stand what all else, hardships and all, had taught me to be truly grateful for. I had to ‘listen’ and I believed Him; or I wouldn’t have ever witnessed that ‘luck’ in my own life when I needed it the most; I can certainly thank God and any unseen support I get, for all of that ‘luck’ and ‘privilege’ of being so targeted.

Yes, the blessing to get through it having support from God and The Divine, when it’s ‘really’ needed the most. And suppose I’m privileged because even having come from poverty level as a child, drinking powdered milk with oats and raisins for breakfast, or rice and beans for dinner, not affording to shop outside of thrift stores; I ‘always’ carried that humility, and solid faith in God, with an optimistic mindset—being open to people of all walks and narratives—even as I was navigating myself in the world of em’ at any point.

And eventually, through a broken home and endless moves, to putting myself to work through high-school and all throughout college, while paying rent and tuition where financial aid wasn’t available—partying the whole way through , escape mechanisms or just a byproduct of being young and a bit more wild. I still learned. The byproduct of being ‘spiritually-rebellious’ to my traditional religious roots and standing in my own ‘rite’ and Autonomy to part from what never seemed right about it—while managing to get the work done. And it became something that wasn’t even a question. “God, thank you. I trust you.”

Needing to master any art of independence early on in life meant self-dependence, not co dependence on anyone else—all that was required in that commitment to work and get through college with a decent enough GPA even if I was gonna be so ‘free’ to be me, expressing, progressing, and checking off the ducks in a row.

To a series of events and travels after getting my B.A. Or doing any reality television I never asked or would’ve wanted to be picked up for ‘again’ without even knowing, until I was being tagged and messaged and thousands requesting to follow on FB, a 6 week rerun of just ‘one’ season in all of its history, there on Netflix again. No notification it would be.

Followed by L.A. numbers and gang stalkers, people trying to break in my home. Catching it in the middle of the night. A gas-masked man rummaging through the nearest bin before trying to hack my garage code and speeding off on foot when I woke up, and shined my phone light out the window. The only neighbor I associated with at the time; both of our mailboxes broken into with letters that someone was trying to steal our identities. The whole complex mailboxes changed out (for everyone) with cameras installed.

To my mailboxes being broken into both homes after. Neighbors “handling” as monitors (stalkers) or “chief handler” on YouTube cyber-bullying me before exposing herself- low and behold- someone I barely knew in High School without ‘knowing’ she was a main perpetrator and worked in the military, if she still does.

To finding out the load of ritualistic, evil things done on me- by those units of the military / CIA covered—making the numerous lucid dream and NDE like experiences all the more understood. They’d been on me since childhood, high school, and beyond—all the more as I woke up and started stepping into my inner purpose of being.

Yet, I’m still standing. And actually finished out things I had started, or wanted to do, even if they were no longer ‘for’ me shortly after; and I knew my potential—even if it took a little longer to gain confidence in it where anyone wanted to tear it down.

All throughout life as I review my memories and relationships. Some things in life seemed like a fit (flight attendant for ex.) until it wasn’t; and pivoting became something I had to get used to all the more as people recognized me from the show I had done, and experienced the discomfort in that too…in order to explore anything or any job that was in my inner space of attraction toward without wanting the show as a tail on it.

Giving myself grace and time. if I was paying my bills, I could take that time to discover me and what I really wanted to be or do in Life. I could go ghost and off social media for a month or two at a time. Especially after the re-run. While still processing all that came with divorce.

A season I did and didn’t even watch the second time around. 12 years ‘randomly’ later. Just to be selectively targeted again, as I had been speaking out on Trump, Epstein, Weinstein, Koch Brothers, Gates, you name it, I probably did -along with other celebrities I knew were in on other ‘group-like’ staking— like really, people? Get a life. As Netflix aired those documentaries and I’m getting creepy people messaging like we’re old friends, not saying who they are.

Finding how easy it is to get lost on the exploration phase alone all the same with everything being shown to me, regardless of what anyone else out there wanted for me or from me. Wanted me to shut up on or not. It didn’t matter anymore what anyone thought. This was my defining moment in life—being truly targeted for speaking up and out and no chance of backing down. Put me in a corner or try to mess with my livelihood, I’ll show the horns, no problem.

I’ve always been a Truth-Speaker, one who stands up to bullies, and a wanderer, but I never thought of myself as ‘lost’ or angry either, or someone who would have to be dealt a whole lot more than I even write here.

When the world told me I was lost and damaged goods, I could’ve believed it for a quick minute, until I found myself ‘preferring’ to believe in myself and God instead; always speaking to my Sprit and lifting me up through it all.

And yet even through ‘loss’ and divorce, individuals menacing on my life, to being gang stalked by those in their “secret” society cults, I still managed to be responsible and resourceful enough to make it where I am and to be proud of myself, even if no else is…. which I can only truly thank God, for helping me see myself through the higher lens.

Because deciding not to care what anyone thought while ‘not’ being in my shoes while trying to project like I just have it “easy” in Life; is something. When it hasn’t looked so pretty or felt so ‘lucky’ and I can guarantee anyone reading this of ‘that’ much. So am I lucky for having the right attitude and Faith? The right self-talk input with passion and care in what I do. Does that make me ‘privileged’ as though I’ve been silver-spoon-fed anything in life. Perceptions and projections without actually knowing.

It was more like the rug had been pulled from underneath my feet for a long time, and multiple times over, as early as my formative years—before all Band-Aids were being ripped off and I could find the sense of freedom in my Spirit again, with the right attitude to get through the worst of it, optimism for a new love ‘one’ day, a new life, and solid relationships built on genuine love, compassion, empathy, and trust. Without any betrayal or lies fed to me—which I eventually see through anyway. And no rush getting there ‘with’ someone else, because that journey was a solo one for as long as it would need to be with just ‘me’ - no matter what was coming up against me. Who was going to ever protect me and show me what I need to be shown, 'better' than God?

Suppose that makes me lucky to know God. And to learn again how to enjoy and trust the relationship with myself and with God, in the here and now and present, whatever it looks like. The hard times that molded the inner strength. The children that inspired it.

Considering so much of those back to back hurdles and trials, yes, it has felt like a true miracle in Life whenever God has showed up as an answer to prayer when in deep emotional trenches. Faith in some higher reason, even if I don’t see the full picture on it, is what brings in that which I believe and know to be true, and true for me. Is Faith ‘Lucky’ or is it a choice and commitment. A condition of the heart and mindset. To not see myself as any total failure even if that’s being projected on me anywhere from anyone. Not seeing myself as a threat to anyone either, anyone I’m ‘not’ competing with and wouldn’t want to or sign up for.

And fast forward since the pain of divorce and break down of other near and dear relationships—I hope will be mended one day; however difficult it was for me to get past the breech of trust, and walk away….forgiveness is key—always. And maybe more self-forgiveness for choosing myself and ever feeling guilty for it. Or to ever feel guilty for my ‘no-nonsense’ approach with those truly trying me, as though I’m even engaged in it again.

Especially as an independent or entrepreneur of any kind, we have to be able to do that. Zero in on what we have to focus on. Time management, and confidence in who we are and what we bring to the table in all we have or are learning to master; those areas we need to get to work on. As we are always left with ourself, wherever we go and whatever we do, we have to keep it real at home ‘within’ to be able to rely on ourselves, so our kids or anyone else we team up with, can truly rely on us, knowing we keep it real with them too.

Faith and prayer all the more, where it applies in everything I need to not juggle but enjoy, with a grace and flow to Life and Time- not dwelling in anxiety and stressors of any previous false characterizations on me. Or making excuses to perpetuate and kind of victim mentality, anxiety, or dwelling in any kind of real stress.

And into the present day as I keep going, looking back at all the obstacles I did overcome—before children, after divorce, and with children in tow; somehow I ‘did’ make it out of the darkest nights and days this year and years leading up. I understand, like others do whom I may never meet, and end up reading these words, you’re saying “yes, common ground there” - we know it - because we’ve actually lived it in this thing we call ‘humanity’ and earth life—we’ve actually been at the bottom of the barrel more than once.

Been there, or there right now. It’s the world we came to change if we feel like we don’t fit in anywhere and are being strong armed by anyone trying to control our image, narrative or persona. But there is ‘always’ somewhere we do fit in: with someone(s) out there who feel and understand exactly what it is we do.

Whatever that ‘it’ is or looks like. We don’t know until we open up to one another. Appreciate all our differences and personalities as they are. Maybe time and space from things, people, places is ‘exactly’ what was required to go within and re-discover myself, however hard it was to let go and transition into a more self-focused accountability and responsibility over myself and my children. If a fool’s journey could be had, I’ve had it all and some of you reading know ‘exactly’ what that looks like.

And still going—holly jolly and free, for the most part; happiest at home with my babies, and it’s like I’m about to start another Fool’s Journey-ready to walk the cliff into the unknown; not in any morbid way, of course, just never forgetting the free spirit in me, and to share what I insight along the way, talk-write myself through it all.

Not being afraid to mess up if I do, or to express every aspect of myself: free spirit, grounded, gentle, stern, assertive, silly, eccentric, sarcastic, quiet, introverted, extroverted, stubborn sometimes, wrong sometimes, right sometimes. Humbled ‘many’ times.

While working through a lot still; and that’s the ‘journey’ part of it I suppose. No one has all the answers at once. The ‘never’ a straight line part of healing. And coloring outside the lines. Can’t rush the process of old wounds or even new ventures, after those old wounds.

But knowing how to have a healthy balance in life without anyone holding my hand, yet keeping me accountable to my highest potential, all the same. Knowing I have to be invested in me if I want anyone else to be and taking me seriously- the signs to look for and intuitive hits to pay attention to when moving forward with anyone or anything trying to come in. Not being overly guarded but wise and in touch with my intuition.

I’m not lucky or privileged unless I have the privilege of actually being able to pray, ask for help, and discern; to use it ‘all’ for the ‘good’ and ‘not’ give up. Get out of what doesn’t serve my highest good. ‘Lucky’ for having the ‘privilege’ of believing in myself, and in my intuition, even if others couldn’t; the privilege of another challenge to overcome, believing that I can and will, when I set my mind to it. And then do.

Believing that I’m in the right place at the right time for my highest good, at all times, regardless of what ‘just happened’ and I’m the right person to get the job done—and that won’t change. I have to believe in myself. I have that alone, at the very least, to model for my children: my daughters and best friends in life.

I’m not lucky unless I’m willing to prioritize my family, to surrender and to get up and do what needs to be done to ‘be’ lucky; not using any kind of spells or magic to do that. ‘Being’ the magic (Faith) itself. Belief in God. Self-belief. Belief in others. Teaming up with the right ones. I’m not lucky unless I trust again. Unless I’m grateful and generous even through losses and betrayals. Unless I have faith in my Creator all the same, I’m not ‘lucky’ or privileged unless I possess and use integrity with every situation to the best of my ability. I’m not lucky if I can’t find the silver lining or search for higher perspective in anything and everything I pursue or allow to pursue me. Whether it’s for me or not, I discern the genuinely sincere from the disingenuous.

And I’m no different than anyone else who can and is willing to mess up; to fail, to not believe in themself in order ‘to’ see that disparity, going from bottom of the barrel to the top- even if it’s with faith the size of a mustard seed that gets us swimming to the top, eventually rising up, to make gold out of ashes a little at a time.

And to know that a little at a time is more than ok. And more than enough as long as I’m working at it. No rush to the finish line. It’s a ‘journey’ and one that takes time and patience, persistence with it. To keep integrity even in the face of mockery and certified harassment of anything I could be saying or doing publicly, at the foundation and forefront.

To look honestly at myself, recognize excuses made for as long as they were made, valid or not, whatever they are, and make those steps toward the right perspective and mindset required to grow from those excuses so I stop making the same ones. Or even projections of anyone else on to me. To keep blowing them away. To take action built on a stronger foundation of all life lessons learned; and with understanding of that process, the changes surely happen before our eyes before we know it.

It can feel like a whirlwind to be excited again about that new thing, or job promotion, or ‘love’ potential, home, style etc. after you’ve been in any kind of emotional trench and rising out of it. Because I don’t want to project the ‘old’ onto the new in my path- and we all have a story. Boohoo, right. That’s not said to diminish our pain or therapies being integrated, to help touch and heal real trauma. It’s my own mental pep-talk to get me off any kind of ‘woe is me’ train. And to help anyone else out there thinking they know it all when it comes to me and my story too.

Sometimes I can’t even determine what intuition is trying to tell me on that visceral level, if I’m literally in the ‘woe’ of the woes. And other times it’s ‘very’ clear why I react or respond as I do. I have to observe myself closer than anyone else is, all the more when I step back and say "yeah, I don't like the way this feel. And to use my strengths and weaknesses as fuel to be great, just as soon as I ‘truly’ decide to, at some point I have to believe I can be, while not needing to compare or measure my success to the next. Being my very own healthy competition.

To take other perspectives and constructive feedback and use it for our gain and growth. Turning pain points to self-empowered points. Staying self-motivated. Because at ‘some’ point we just got to take the bad with the good and decide that we ‘can’ make lemonade out of lemons if we choose to see the glass half full over half empty. We can make it all work for our own good and in our favor, without a tantrum to it. Answering the call and getting outside our comfort zone to do that, is key. Action drives true change. Change drives success. Success drives our lasting impact. But all of the failures and setbacks are as much a part of that end goal for success. Like riding a bike for the first time. Of course, we’re going to fall down. But are we going to get back up and on the bike or give up trying to ride one at all?

And those who truly love us would want that for us. Love---even through hurt, disappointment and resentment----doesn’t just go away. So even those who hurt us, if they don’t admit it, will love us enough to know 'why' we had to pull away and be self-focused. They will truly want the best for us and our family. They will truly want us to succeed. As we would, all the same, want for them. That is Love and forgiveness, no matter what went down. So, it doesn't hold us down.

Or how we move or deliberate going forward. Not all qualify there and it’s the discernment we need to narrow in on with our environments. Not all are willing to be humbled or vulnerable, transparent, accountable, or put the work in to rise out of any undesirable situation and not blame anyone else for it. So, they deem the ones who do as somehow ‘lucky or privileged’ as though it came on a silver platter to them, when that’s not the case in so many cases.

But that doesn’t have to be our own narrative. And that’s how we grow when we are on that path, encountering it all and all types along the way. Detached from the narratives and projections, mis characterization or judgement of others; to stay self-focused for that success. To travel if want to and can afford to. To not be so future minded either, that we forget to live in the 'Now' and have 'Fun!' Because when we believe we can, and that we ‘do’ deserve the best Life has to offer us, we ‘do’ our best to make that happen; and we pray, and make right what we can, sure enough ‘luck’ arrives to meet us where we’re at, right on time.

We get out of the ‘stickiness’ of negative energy or old debilitating mindsets, and little by little align more and more -to flow with our purpose in Soul, more and more. To pray more and more, until we feel like we’re actually floating, and ‘everything’ makes ‘more’ sense. The picture is clearer from ‘The Bird’s Eye View’. With sense comes closure and inner peace. With inner peace comes contentment in Life. Contentment breeds more gratitude which breeds even more success-mindset over ‘lack’….

Numerous boo-hoo stories I have in my archives, and sharing pieces of them here too, but what’s going to come of dwelling on them - rather what’s actually going to take me forward from this point on in using them toward my ultimate success?

That’s the question any of us stuck in any old emotion or narrative or coming out of, have to ask ourselves. Can we alchemize Life in our favor? Yes! We absolutely can! Because there is a time for mourning and healing and a time for rising up from it and slaying every day after, realizing life ‘does’ happen fast and it ‘is’ short, and we are never guaranteed tomorrow.

Reminding myself that I’m growing. Giving grace to myself ‘because’ I’m growing. Patience to myself ‘because’ I’m growing. And if I can give all that grace to myself ‘because’ I’m growing, then surely, I have it to give to others who are ‘also’ growing. Whether they did me the worst or not.

And surely, I can understand a little better the ‘why’ cry in my Soul. It was ‘for’ me to help me learn and grow through all ‘realities’ of Life and Love and Autonomy battles. Projections and all. I’m learning new ways of existing and being very comfortable in my skin, in my motherhood, and insecurities all the same—able to cross the bridge of that authenticity-meeting professionalism in what I do, and in how I show up for myself and others.

Especially those I work with. I know it’s imperative to any true success I could have in life. Working harmoniously toward the same goal ‘with’ others, as my own boss nevertheless— where everyone wins a piece of that pie. And failure at anything, is just a signpost along the way that it’s coming if I don’t give up and map out a new plan. The “this is where it gets good” part ‘because’ you didn’t lose the optimism through any failure, set back or hardship.

God or inner voice -Shadow or Light- I’ve called the Voice, and still do, sounding back; like an echo of Life and the continuity of it, that I am bringing to it in every moment. Listening to both and acknowledging both as relevant and worthy to my cause. Every day, a new page to write in my story, even if the pages before were full of many unfortunate things.

Without those unfortunate things I wouldn’t be so grateful ‘for’ the fortunate things that came too, out of hard work or when they seemingly floated in like a blessing out of nowhere right when I needed it the most and in the depths of my gratitude to God and Unseen Love and support, when it does arrive on time, and I believed it would. ‘This’ is where it gets ‘good’: Law of Attraction. Is it ‘Luck’? Or is it input? Is it Faith in Self or Faith in God, all the more?

Yes, creating that ‘New motto’ of self-talk and perspective, to take on ‘every’ day as I set the day. Seeing myself and others more clearly, from that higher perspective. Giving Life a fresh start, which comes with a fresh look at everything I’ve been needing to work on, not just internally but externally too.

Making my bed every morning. A clean and organized workspace, bathrooms, kitchen sink, home - workouts, and dedicated hours for phone calls and correspondence over contracts in the works by the days or weeks - of course kids and the dog, their school and sports, doctor or vet appointments. Occasional urgent care appointments and holidays. Sick days and vacation days, or long weekends. Summers off. Days to myself or not I have to be better and better about time management and staying balanced, so I don’t fall off kilter.

It gets quite busy under the ‘mom’ title alone, with three girls (almost 11) and under; to actually locking in and sticking to a schedule as a self-employed entrepreneur + on call, weeks off; co-parenting help when needed either way, this is going to require all the more due diligence and commitment to the dedicated (professional) working hours I set for myself and then some; as I begin working and networking / learning from the right people, providing all the possible training and support I could need. Is it too good to be true when that happens? Is it ‘Luck’ - or is it ‘alignment’? Is it seizing opportunity as it knocks like another answer to prayer. Is it remembering an old opportunity and going back to see if it’s still available?

Or was it just my luck at ‘this’ moment in time. Social media had me in defense mode for such a long time, I couldn’t even focus on driving the wheel forward in other avenues of life. Taking up so much energy. Sharing publicly my personal story, through my lens of course which isn’t a completely unbiased one, how her ‘objective’ I always try to be nevertheless; being breeched of constitutional rights too, without ‘ongoing’ ‘true’ warrant.

Those being harassed for Truth-telling openly; to tagging those agencies right on social media where they want to silence me just to say: “Hi, I’m here and yes I see you hacking and tampering with my devices and home security system, or putting your agents on me in another ‘tank’ of an op sending them into grocery stores without a cart and walking out without any purchase—two agents back to back—to my phone hacked in the parking lot so I could post anything as I’m being watched and calling it out—“this is only hurting ‘you’.” I have a phone number, why don’t ya call and leave a message with your info. What are you trying to find out on me? Why don’t ya ask me?

At times truly not wanting to be on social media ‘at all’ going to bat for myself like that, against those treating me as some sort of lab rat to silence or sacrifice -or to even be plugged in to any virtual matrix, feeling some sort of accountability to holding it down, yet disdain for it all the same—the only way I could defend my ground (literally) or get my point across to things I caught -with evidence- being done on my name and to my home, personal email, identity, phone number, security system, certified mail, even my car title stolen and having to announce that publicly too to go to the DMV and request a new title-right out of my mailboxes or in collaboration with group ops in neighborhood, gang stalking. Too many times to count. As I blow steam or just roll my eyes again where it used to enrage me…

I’m no ‘walking mat Saint’ in every moment but I’m certainly aware of where my temper comes from and ‘why’ and the things that drive me to say what I do—it had gotten the best of me at times. It’s felt like a high school meets some strange virtual dystopia of undercover agents, watchers, hackers, handlers, cults, following me, preying on me and my children or on social platforms—only so much of that anyone is going to deal with before blowing it up in everyone face who is behind it when they least expect it.

So, to expose on the very same communication platform being used against me, and plenty of others (sleeping masses all the same) my ‘own’ checks and balances—by default of being me and misunderstood, mis interpreted, mis characterized; Yet, ‘unapologetic’ in my delivery at that point when enough was enough—to those very ones I’m calling out discreetly or overtly, them knowing they’re guilty.

Just to demonstrate what shadow bans and censors, cat-fishers, and group gang stalkers do. At one point I’d seen some of the same vehicles outside my house all night being chased down the Golden Freeway, ‘because’ I was reporting plates too and pictures—what it all looked like for me—was i ‘lucky’ there too?

When you’re actually speaking the Truth and not sobbing online just spitting out the facts. Sure, I’ll make myself that example if there’s any ‘greater’ good that could come from it in my own life or that of another’s. Not easy, but necessary. Necessary to use my own freedom of speech and self-defense; my own voice to tell my own story; to call spades, spades and evils, the evils they are—to want to help catalyze change in an oligarchy of ‘so called’ American democracy where more and more out there are raising the red flags on, all the same sharing their stories.

That change is one I am here for; to witness and to be a part of, regardless of what it has cost me. The ‘imprint on earth’ for shedding Light in darker places, in any kind of way; it all comes from that prompting within and vision of a world where children are not hungry, suffering, or being bought and sold as sex slaves.

And that’s what I’d consider my platform on social media. “Hi, I Am here, and I will say something about ‘this’ or ‘that’ because that’s what I Am here, being guided, to do and speak on” - so I will keep it that way, for when it needs to be; but I will say, it’s not because I need or needed the attention on some larger scale. I have had a tendency of pulling away from that. Another fear to look at and sit with the 'why' on.

I tend to run from that kind of spotlight, I don’t want—and not because I ever wanted to be defending my identity or creative expression of delivery, or rights to my own work, in the first place, quite literally at that. I tend to be introverted and not confrontational by nature, but not a doormat either. Not afraid to defend myself or expose the darkness to the Light, to be sweet and stern when need be. To withhold how much I pick up, if need be. Let em’ think what they want, if need be. What someone says of me has more to do with them...

I’m not someone who is ‘ok’ being anyone’s personal lab rat, subject, or prey. So, I’ll speak for my damn self, or I’d be damned. Yet it’s as much a part of my story I leave behind when I go. Or in the wise words of others in history or present timeline, that I’ve spotlighted because it’s like being ‘one’ with those voices. No one will know, save God alone, just how low the low points truly were for any of us. I’m sure a lot of us who have been through the wringer multiple times over, have felt that much. I saved face where I could so as not to put on to any undeserving party, all my pain. But we’ve all related on some level. We are human. And we all have choices to make and mine was to ‘not’ keep quiet online, because I want things to change in my world and in the world where they need to—starting at the top of our own government and with Big Pharma being held accountable.

To reverse the 1986 National Childhood Vaccine Act liability clause and make ‘them’ the ones liable as it always should’ve been, all the more when any mandate is being pushed and people are forced to abide or lose their job or have to homeschool. True fascism and anti-constitutional in every way, beyond ‘every’ child having the right and access to a public education. The oath doctors have taken and violated. And, among other policies I’d love to see change before my last breath on earth.

As a Faith-based -however irreverent in humor or sailor mouth at times- God ‘gets me’ kind of gal, I believe God has it under control, so I don’t have to hold the world on my shoulders for judgment day on anyone. Not my domain. I don’t want to play God; I just want to do the best I can with what God gives me or deems me ready for.

So, I just have to find the objective evidence, that something is in fact causing more harm than good—and being used as a weapon of mass destruction and control, not as “safe or effective” as any CDC or biotech wizard wants claim in the “science” while slapping it in the faces of everyone. At times in the most blatantly fascist manner. As if this is all acceptable to any kind of true democracy and to our constitution. That’s got to change. Abuse of power, selective targeting for censorship, dirty and evil plots on civilians, being breached of their constitutional rights— left and right; mothers at that; it all has to change. And I’m here for it…

I’ll never forget my first daughter’s pediatrician demeaning me to my face in the most passive aggressive way when I was hit in the gut by Spirit, and asked to pump the breaks because I needed to do homework before I was going to give my 3-month-old the MMR. I plug this woman in the same category as the rest of the pill pushers and vaccine makers in Big Pharma ‘shielded from liability’ over a law our own government passed in their favor, all over money, and in response to so many lawsuits against them—even in cases of death and irreversible neurological disorders, they’re shielded from ‘all’ liability with that act and a federal private vaccine court processing a mere fraction of claims that even come through—as mainstream touts “Safe and Effective” on them—we call 💩B.S. on those B.S. 'blaspheming snakes' 🐍

She looked at me and said, “to us that’s like putting a child in a car without a car seat” as I looked at her ‘stunned’ speechless for a moment or three—don’t think she was prepared for my response as she, a woman in her sixties and pediatrician for over 25 years, turned beat red. I collected myself from her bullying remark, squared her in the face, as the chipper, friendly me—turned into the Ice Queen, Mama Bear, right before her own eyes: no smiles.

“Oh really? Like I’m going to put my newborn in the car without a car seat? Right. I caught that. And to ‘me’ that’s ‘incredibly’ demeaning, and ‘you’ mam, are part of the ‘problem’ here in case no other mother ever told you. All I said was I wanted to do some research on it when I got punched in the gut to wait - as I am a ‘new mom’ to my ‘first’ child here, just 3 months old and ‘nursing’ as you can see—need I remind you; knowing what’s going in her bloodstream this early on ‘especially’ is something ‘no’ mother should have to defend much more be demeaned for. How dare you...

And how unfortunate I should ‘even have’ to explain that to you when you haven’t handed me a ‘single insert’ to look at, and you call that integrity? When I ask to do some research first, all you have for me are bullying words!? When I’m asking for due diligence on behalf of my own daughter as her mother, whom I am liable for, you crack that remark to shame me. When there are no measles outbreaks. Nor is she hanging around needles and drug users. She’s perfectly healthy and we’re going to keep it that way. Lastly, as this should go without saying but I’ll say it anyway, we absolutely ‘won’t be coming back here' or needing ‘any’ more of ‘your’ “opinions” fully lacking in medical integrity. Bye doc, have a 'great' day!”

As I turned around, didn’t even give her a chance to respond as I don’t think she could’ve if I had, she was floored speechless and red in the face with anger; felt as disrespected as I did, except I didn't start it--as I left equally fuming inside, with Hannah in the ergo nursing away; of course did ‘all’ the homework after that for ‘all’ that ended up coming with it when bringing it to Light, as a friend messaged me to co-write an educational rebuttal piece on it, which got quite the buzz and circulation back in 2015, before another bigger target 🎯 was placed on my back to take me out.

I want to highlight that some of us, all of us, subject to ourselves when it comes to that personal look at our own lives and the lives of our children: we pay integrity and due diligence to, in our intuition and gut instincts not just blindly saying ‘ok’’ to any ‘doctor’ trying to ‘force’ anything on our babies or us---and as people have SO often taken my kindness for a lack of intelligence, that I don't have to be pretentious about. I prefer my child- like jolly but can and will be the shock-job no one thinking they could demean me, would see coming. Yeah, when you thought you had some passive, naive, ignorant mothers on your hands to try controlling, who knew it could take just one or two. I messaged the CDC and many others ‘directly’ ….

Are we doing due diligence where our doctors won’t tell us to go ‘Research’ CDC documents and Ingredient lists. Inserts for each vaccine trial. Facts versus fictions in the world of so-called ‘Science’ of it being “safe” and “effective” - no, never across the board there with any one size fits all procedure involving pooled blood of others, drug addicts, and aborted fetal cells they don’t want to adddress. Because hey it’s actually ‘only’ no risk to the ‘Survival of the Fittest’ - right? With any population control agenda—to make children steril if not medical patients for the long haul = more money for the pharmaceutical industries. The Truth is all there and in our faces. Everyone’s face. Yet they call us ‘Anti-Science quacks’ and ‘conspiracy theorists’ … even the frontline doctors.

Angers. Regrets. Failures. Hopes. Dreams. Optimism for the next generation to overcome the aftermath of this Big Pharma pandemic and so many other negatively impacting agendas of the wicked and deranged, as we seek reform in so many areas of government policies, and spending. Blowing the lid on all agendas that don’t ‘actually’ serve the greater good of the world but the pockets of the already rich and greedy, deranged, demonic possessed humans with ‘way’ too much monopoly over fields they don’t even belong in. Since when is ‘biotech madman’ a licensed medical doctor to advise, mandate anything to an entire world? Or presenting "better vaccines" as the "solution" for "decreasing the population" and uh -come again? Exactly. Because that's not sounding totally insane or kind of like 'genocide' if not sterilization to our children's reproductive systems...oh, right. But totally "safe and effective" for ...death, irreversible injury, and oh yes, "decrease" the population count. Just make them "better" in order to do that. More "potent" and "deathly" did he actually mean to say in so many ways covertly? All before conveniently warning the world of the next pandemic that, 'great' he's got the "better" solution for. (Ref) BillGates 2016 Ted Talk.

As individuals, before we are ever paired up with anyone else or in a society and going through life learning that critical thinking skills seem to be lacking in the world as they try to hide the facts and limit our ability to critically think. Knowing we have messed up and likely will again, but we got to look at it and challenge it all together if we’re going to change anything about it. Old habits, fears, mindsets don’t die hard, but they ‘can’ where we are truly in the boldest of mindsets because we know what we’re saying is true; therefore, protective over our own families, assets, innocent lives of many who couldn't have a voice in it and had to suffer for it.

And that mindset no matter how Big the Giant Evil, deranged agendas, may be...everything requires critical thinking and integrity in all areas of our lives, whatever cards we are dealt, and whatever research. Do we know the facts if they don’t want to provide them? We have read between the lines and pay attention to what is actually being said. Find the facts in small black and white print, and listen, especially because they (as I digress to Unjust policies and law) were shielded from all liability, even death.

But when I can’t do anything but write, she’d Light, and throw it in here or there to say “yeah, I’m here, and I have a right to be as I am” and to not be harassed for that, put under attack for shedding Truth on anything I can connect the dots to or had firsthand experience being selectively targeted by. To verbalize my mind and share my intuitive downloads, objective research, or ‘knowing’ - this makes all the difference in the energies of revenge versus ‘Truth’ and standing confidently in it, letting God use me as a vessel in any way needed—peace in the art of alchemy amidst anything we are speaking openly on, and understanding what kind of energy comes with the territory of blowing that sort of whistle. So be it. Stronger the will, stronger the faith in God, stronger the boldness, stronger the confidence to keep going. Tell em:’You ain’t even seen ‘Mama-Bear’ there yet—but believe me, you don’t want to.

And if I couldn’t pick one thing to do, I prayed that I could do it ‘all’, whatever it was I wanted to do, or had to do, guided to do, and with more confidence than anyone or group ganging up in their circles and with their voodoo dolls and dusty spell books. That’s for the little league they thought ‘I’ belonged in or could be sacrificed in, as if I'd ever. Nope. Not me. And all to show it ‘was’ possible to underestimate a sweet little Super-Empath Bull, but I’ll keep moving at a pace I choose. No pressure but the pressure I would place on myself alone. And the lifestyle of Leisures: reading, writing, movies, recreational activities, travel, I won't allow them to take from me; incorporate to stay balanced enough through any attack. Keep living life with my girls and trusting God. Que sera, sera.

Or any unwarranted ‘new’ attack to keep some ‘game’ fling that I’m not playing, naturally all that energy bounces back, when it’s got no place to settle with me, as God can see exactly where it came from—The sweetest revenge is ‘no revenge’ but holding down the faith in self and in God all the same—my own happiness and peace aren’t worth compromising for anyone trying to pigeon hole or bird-cage me into. No sir, no mam. But I will be that real annoying bird to anyone who thinks I’m the kind of bird for capture and control. Got the wrong one… or the right one depending on ‘just’ what you needed.

And then I started thinking about all the reasons I am the way I am. Or thinking about (rather than worrying about) ‘how’ I can support myself and children amidst so many infringements on my livelihood. Thinking back to all the events and inner work of my past, and always being that optimistic dreamer to keep me moving; as I look back, I see a lifetime of resilience, even if I don’t see a lifetime of ‘luck’ because I had to be. When there is no other choice, you rise to the occasion or get left behind.

Why am I the way I am? That’s why. Had to be. People wouldn’t know that unless they knew me. And so the worst of Life didn’t swallow me up, and the best of Life was always just around the corner, if I didn’t give up. And always new I’d have to work at a lot of things to know what would be ‘my’ thing in the end.

Working at Regal Cinemas in Oceanside, the summer after sophomore, 15 yrs old; followed up with breaks at the beach to see friends, in between double shifts. Day shift at the theatre and night shift at Dairy Queen, back-to-back. 7am to midnight during the summer.

By 16, a job at the car wash and another movie theatre concession job, after the move back to the east coast (Rochester) to finish out junior and senior years. To finally, through a friend who worked there occasionally introduced me; landing a job as a host downtown at a fine dining Mediterranean Bistro—to making friends 8-15 years older than me there, who I felt protective of and vice versa. Like a little restaurant family. And perhaps there it was, my breaking into a ‘servers and bartender’s avenue toward independence with a natural transition into the food and service industries; having turned 21 by16–with friends already adulting, going to bars after work with them, and staying out all night before school the next morning. Suppose I was quite the 'wholesome' wild child. Attending The private Christian school my dad taught at, so we went for free, to graduating high school in a class of 25 or less, followed by a semester in community college, before heading back to the west coast; a three-day drive, transfer of community colleges and official venture into adulting after high school with a little taste of college.

Some private event catering positions to a serving position at a Cafe-Restaurant. To the restaurant I inevitably met my children’s father at. Five more years. To 7 months in West Hollywood and weekends at Saddle-Ranch to renting a room for the little amount of time I could even be in L.A. while taking 24 units to graduate from Cal State San Marcos—up all-night writing papers after work and home by 2:30am, to loads of energy drinks and coffee, two-hour drive to San Diego for class at 8am to turn that paper in. Rushing to the next thing in Life I wanted before finishing out one. Somehow, did it… and that did inevitably ‘cost’ me—trying to rush through school just to not even end up wanting to be in Hollywood after all. Transplants to L.A. and Co-workers telling me “Don’t do it-you’re giving up too soon” —yet knowing, my Soul was being called away from living there.

To working at five star resorts and later on up moving to Austin—26 hour drive later—through chainsaw massacre town and all, middle of the night—to bartending downtown Austin, TX, and weighting tables at a resort in Lake Travis…annnnnd yes, back to Hollywood for a minute in reality television I swore I’d never do when approached for the season prior—to Minneapolis for flight attendant training, hired on before filming even started—straight from getting off the show; working it a few months in that blistering winter and in a crash pad with other flight attendants, before deciding it wasn’t the job for me. Like a free spirit who couldn’t settle down into something I didn’t fully love and see myself staying in.

Truly wanting to settle down as well at the time. No more traveling on the brain but Marriage and babies instead, talking again to the ‘ex’ since post show wrap up and leaving Minneapolis. To Orange County, north county and waiting tables again, at a couple sushi restaurants in between, to moving back to San Diego & getting back with my kids dad, nannying for a family that became like another extension of my own for five years straight—to engagement and marriage and having children; home flips, home-startup companies- 8 years and many, many trials later - to our final move to Portland and - still - feeling like I was doing it alone, deciding, we were best to part ways and divorce. Couldn’t take the emotional pain anymore. The fighting anymore. The pleading for shorter work trips and help at home. The disparity in emotional intimacy as a result. The break down of trust from events prior. The kids even younger then, crying away when daddy was gone again …it was hard.

Then to Egypt and back, for that post-divorce much needed get away, hosted by the family of those here in Portland, like a family to me. Recalling all the places I’d seen in the world before that. And wanting to see so much more. To re-navigating life ‘alone’ as a ‘single’-mom’ All the hurdles to push through along the way. All the hurts and betrayals to forgive and/or use as fuel.

I look back on my whole life to date, including and especially the younger (post parents' divorce) years—a severe period of Anorexia I was in long denial about—getting down to 82 lbs, in double zero pants, 20 lbs below weight - on the charts, running track and on the swim team - to finally passing out / blacking out on my back. Waking up on the bathroom floor, on my back, shaking with toothpaste smeared across my cheek.

Out like a light for twenty minutes and no one knew until I pulled myself up off the bathroom floor, and back upstairs shaking the whole way, crying to my dad that I needed to get help and I knew it. To an awful stepmother at the time, dad’s second wife, grilling me in therapy and at the dinner table when I could hardly handle a few bites. No empathy to something I’d been dealing with in hiding for well over year at that point. Through all the moves, in and out of different relatives' homes.

Standing in the mirror of my grandparents finished basement where we were living before dad’s marriage and moving into her home. And being able to see my ribs protruding and no fat on my body- yet psychologically seeing ‘fat’ alone; weighing myself at least ten times a day before going for another round of laps around the block. Wearing baggy clothes so as not to attract any unwanted attention from the boys, as if that was going to work when I was sort of a Tom-boy myself back then. Like another buddy.

Thankfully I did heal over time, but it’s something we always carry, nevertheless. And I am truly a foodie with a solid appetite, so I don’t know how I was ever able to go without eating for long periods of time, lying and dumping food in the trash before anyone could see, but I understand it was a psychological disorder before any kind of physical one.

I needed some control where everything else was out of my control. My parents divorce. Mom staying in CA. Being taken in and passed around by family members. Crawling in bed with my baby brother to rub his back when he was wailing for our mom in the beginning… I wanted to heal everyone’s heart if I could but it wasn’t my responsibility. And as helpless as he felt, and dad felt, so did I. Just had to be strong for the both of us.

I’ll never forget walking in on my dad. He was on his knees crying and praying…and I had never seen him like that before. I closed the door to a crack, so he wouldn’t see me seeing him, and tucked it all away inside—even as I sat in that doctors office later on, as he showed me my chart and told me I was on the fast track to being fed in hospital tubes. It scared me.

Even more to not have my mom around when going through that period and eventually ‘a’ period. Everything was delayed because of the effects on my body. Chest (stretch marks to remind me) and even not getting a period until I was 15. As I began to resent my mom.

And little did they know it wasn’t the first time I passed out either. It happened on the track field and I shrugged it off. Told my coach not to say anything to my dad because I didn’t want to worry him. That I just didn’t have enough water before and was dehydrated. When in reality there wasn’t enough energy to be running at all. Or the handful of times it almost happened in the shower. All my little secrets in middle school that I hid throughout (two years after their divorce) and back in NY before the move to Puerto Rico, with the wicked step mom, God bless her nevertheless, she had no idea what being a motherly figure meant….to California, and then back to NY again. I had a total of three high schools. Moved three times.

To working from home inevitably present day. Having the time and flexibility for creativity as well once becoming a stay home mother, writer, creative with self and fostering the love of art in my girls—helping grow our assets by flipping them when married. And being bought out accordingly in divorce. To this day, the life I’ve been manifesting and praying for - even if it’s a solo one without a life partner, but a co-parent alone. I’m still not ‘alone’ in it—and it’s taken belief in myself, through it all and every chapter I’ve been through, to know I will continue praying for and working toward that ultimate vision; remembering that through all the hardships….I still got here. Praise God alone.

Life did not swallow me up. It showed me who I am. And I’m grateful for it ‘all’ at this point. All the more when I can be a voice or source for healing in anyone else’s life, stranger or not reading or listening to anything I put out. Most people I know wouldn’t sit down and spew out everything, yet where it’s comes to my ‘why’ in any public manner - it’s for no other real reason in the end than to say: “Hi, I was here and I understand just how hard it can be, but don’t give up—keep betting on yourself, even if you’re the only one doing it—the right support will arrive to pull you through” And we have to remember that. We don’t remember that until we are in solitude and finding our self-worth, confidence, and belief again.

Or missing connection with others as a result, after the PTSD has healed a bit. That our lives do matter. All lives matter. What we care about matters. What we care about comes with reason and together we can bring into fruition more and more of the world we want to see and exist in for ourselves and others. It starts with us.

And regardless of faith or no faith, that ‘collectively’ we ‘don’t stand’ for corrupt politicians and presidents, policies or agendas of any biotech or corporation lying to us. We demand transparency. What we put in our body and our children’s bloodstream should always be our personal right to ‘know’ and choose. No judgement or war pegged on anyone for it. Just the call for transparency of it.

How we want to be treated, we treat ourselves and others. And when our constitutional rights are infringed upon, we decide the course of action to speak up or collaborate with others accordingly for such a purpose. To pray and release, walk away from it. Let God deliver all around, or to fight back, and stand ground. It takes discernment in any situation. It takes evaluating for ourselves the ‘why’ we choose to be a part of that or not.

At the very least we use our voices. We certainly won’t be here just to be treated like cattle or silenced when we disagree or are seen as a threat because we shed light on facts that counter and dismantle the propaganda- or to have the wool pulled over time and again, as more and more suffer in fear of speaking up. Self-guilt and blame. How is it this way?

Yet, if anyone should be interrogated, it’s any and every politician, congressman, doctor, biotech wizard, or president pushing any kind of one-size medical agenda with vaccines, or any mandate law that is ‘entirely’ anti-constitutional and ‘not’ ‘for’ the greater good.

And if Americans want a democracy they need to act on it, where its principles have been denied to so many, in so many ways for far too long. Fascist agendas seeking more control over populations and thinking that because we find other reasons to laugh and smile through it all, hold child-like faith, we must not be paying attention anymore, we must not know anything. We must be naive and gullible. We’ll just be walked to the slaughter house without a baaaaa to it. Guess again. ‘Never make assumptions: 101.’

And my social platforms were never intended to be political or opinion pieced, not necessarily. I just wanted a platform where I could share; in my own way and in my own words, to my own story, my own mind and ideas and art, inner insights, thoughts or whatever I am picking up and responding to creatively or intuitively in the online world, with the hope to foster any kind of dialogue around it ‘out there’ with others picking up the ball and keeping it moving. Team work makes the dream work. As a creative and not just another instagramming influencer trying to compete for attention or followers for any superficial reason.

My journey, as an individual expression in a sea among others expressing and giving back; relating to ‘numerous’ demographics, as I do, has been a journey unique to my own story, as well as others out there—a voice and perspective, spoken to ‘somewhere out there’ from ‘somewhere within here’—and it is all that I can leave behind, when I go. My heart.

And isn’t that what satisfaction looks like to the ‘Soul’ at the end of any journey or beginning of the next in the ‘afterlife’. Being who we truly are; yet kind to ourselves and honest with all; direct regardless of who’s paying attention m, and not afraid to take risks, or to be stern and call people out / defend ourselves when necessary—defend the innocent children more than anyone….and truly feeling like we are in our inner purpose for doing so, with wherever, whatever, whomever we may be plugging in to do that together. Discretely or not. Loud or not. We all have a voice to use and a purpose for sharing what we do.

And suppose that was the therapeutic part fresh out of a divorce years ago. Not caring what anyone thought anymore. Using my voice online, with purpose, and getting back into some old hobbies I lost to the emotional tolls and trials of divorce, familial breakdowns, and people pleasing. And that brought me some level of true inner alignment to even begin rediscovering myself as an independent. Finding my creative bone again.

And to be more than ok as ‘me.’ To Accept me as me, and my life lessons as they were, without filter. Grace when needed all the more for myself. To never lose hope in achieving all the best Life can offer. Never lose faith. Sometimes in protection and solitude mode I go to find that Faith; other times it’s been out of genuine ‘bitterness’ within myself at the ‘whole’ world, not liking the way that feels either, and never wanting to put on anyone undeserving—the part of healing from those who broke me with lies, not wrapping my head around it for a long time, which I just as much needed an outlet for. And that was also therapeutic.

But eventually I grew and started to truly feel what I was saying. Believe what I was saying I was capable of and become capable as a result. To throw up the birds and not care how I was ‘unconventionally’ seen while using any communication social platform ‘tool’ to say “Hi, I’m here, I know I’m different but I’m just like you in so many ways and maybe not in others; because you keep trying me, but yes I see you, acknowledge you, honor your right to breathe and exist as you are—as well as my right and honor in myself to defend my ground from your attacks”

I don’t sugar coat but I don’t mean to be brutal or harsh on anyone reading or listening, either. Accountability truly happens at the soul level and we have to be willing to see our own part in everything. Hopefully, most become motivated in good ways through our own lessons. And where they are actually reading or listening, that is. Unbeknownst to me or not.

I don’t go asking or searching to find out. And I’m not a conventional kind. I am more introverted than extroverted. I do love my alone time. However much (though not all) I’m writing just as well to myself, whenever I am writing, processing, and sharing in a ‘we’ fashion. When I write in ‘we’ form and I often do that because I’m human too—it’s to relay that I do understand. And I have ‘been there’ and know how I can certainly translate to some who don’t know the background and read it as my own story or cry for help—if not seeing it as sheer entertainment. That’s fine. But some things I really don’t joke about.

Don’t need to be anyone’s muse, but, cool. Angry bird, naysayers are hurt people who’ve made mistakes or don’t like the way they are living and need to focus on, compare to, or scapegoat any other. Yet, it’s ‘not’ a cry for help on my end, I do know that much—for me, it’s a response to a deeper prompting. It’s a response to wanting to be in the world and say: “yeah, I see it all, feel it all, don’t like it all… but can’t control it all. And don’t want to” God’s domain. “But I’m here desiring a piece of that ‘Pie of Peace’, like anyone else” happy to help bring it where I am able to and have it to give at all—even during the worst of battles.

A number of things I’ve been through, I know others out there, even if they don’t have social platforms they’re speaking on, crying on, have also been through or going through now. If my story is ever helpful, even to perfect strangers, then that’s Soul satisfaction to my Spirit and it does find a way to leak over into every other aspect of Life, for the good of me and anyone I work with or care for. Positivity and optimism can be very contagious. Then again, so is negativity. Which one do we want to be responsible for consuming and spreading?

All the same, humanity is what it is. But there is also so much beauty in it. As we heal those old traumas and open up to others, more pieces of our True and Higher Selves within, are able to come through; to dance again, in authenticity and child-like joy with ourself when alone, or with others. We don’t fear solitude one bit.

We are able to trust others again when we begin to trust ourselves. Not being dumped down but pumped up. New Life. Never to forget my inner ‘resilient’ child with all her child-like faith. Bring her back when she’s gonna MIA—cannot afford to lose her…ever.

So, being on social media posting the receipts in my phone to showcase certain levels of corruption being done, to lucid dreams and intuitive hits, as they were happening, to the ‘happy’ in life that my girls bring me - to share it all- the mixed bag it has been; when it felt like I was going crazy; breaking points numerous times -had to pull back and look at it all again just to re-balance. Re-focus where the lens was blurry. Pray. Make changes. Focus on what I could control and change, not what I couldn’t. Focus on what matters the most and nothing else. Prayer and more prayer.

This year especially, as eventful and rough at times as it was, I had to really keep my senses for my kids sake, no matter what kind of op was on me or them. Had to decide what to let in and respond to, and what to ignore. What was worth my energy and what wasn’t, or is no more.

Surely that’s how others exposing evils or corruption at any point in time have felt. Or those whom have had to resort to social platforms ‘at all’ to defend themselves and protect their children and assets from those very criminals and thieves being exposed or concealed in the highest of offices.

Worse for others in other parts of the world where fascism or persecution of faith takes whole new levels. What I have been through, pales in comparison to them—perfect strangers around the world I ‘have’ cried and prayed for ‘because’ I can feel them in my Spirit and I look into it. I know what kind of literal and physical persecution they face for having faith in God at all. And that angers and pains me.

And me, or you where you’ve been through it too, speaking up, tagging whom needed to be tagged. Going public. Especially when my lender tried sending me to their debt collector claiming I hadn’t paid my mortgage in 6 months (blatant lie)- until I called back after social tagging the DOJ and everyone involved.

The ban placed on my account to make my monthly mortgage payment online or over the phone - which again, I’ve never missed - was lifted with an apology. Infringing on my livelihood left and right—at least trying to. To evil secret society’s agendas and rituals I’ve certainly got stories for days worth. Waking up last Halloween to being choked out and praying to Christ- attack / energy ‘gone in an instant’. I’ve experienced it all. From numerous individuals, some known to me, many not. And yes, these are pieces of that memoir, my pain points turned to power points and even stronger faith-points, as I woke up and boldly spoke for myself even more—knowing there are those trying to act as conservators over me. Oh please! Try me again… it only gets worse if you do.

So, one would have to know what my life as a whole was like; the events I’ve downplayed as far as ‘how’ stressful and hard they were as a young girl once upon a time, to the present day: pushing 4O as a single mom / woman, this year to come, and the Truth I testify to as a result of it all—so as to get the facts and facts alone straight for anyone wanting to run my name through the mill…again.

Irrespective of my personal beliefs, mystical experiences, or Faith in God ‘and’ Karma, I wear openly as it’s shown to me; emotions surrounding righteous indignation, I like ‘facts’ when telling stories. Even about my own life. Like to stick to the bullet points.

And to know why I’d even be on social media at all, or sharing those kinds of happenings, or internal messages, when I’ve always had that fairly ‘hate’ relationship with socials too; minding anyone’s business that I’m not directly hanging out and socializing with, or in alignment with and searching out myself.

It’s energy consuming and comes at a cost for those who are pretty sensitive. It’s distracting in life more than it’s helpful at times and it’s about learning when to shut it down. Or just those who prefer relationships the traditional way. Not limited to social media interaction and virtual engagement with a bunch of people we don’t really know or the ones we do if that’s our only form of engagement. That’s how I feel, even if I have engaged.

Or it’s just a real ‘virtual’ world I struggle to ‘really’ want to be a part of. Either way. There’s a disconnect in social media for me. And it bugs me. That struggle has been very real at times. So I get exactly why some people choose not to have a social media at all. At numerous times, I was one of them. It can feel like the plague when we’re not careful with our consumption of it. It can make us start comparing ourselves to others—nothing that’s helpful or useful.

And I haven’t shared that in a whole story. Just pieces of it as I write transparently here, and here alone from now on. I also don’t claim any one religion but my belief and faith in Christ is real, tried, and true. Even if I don’t identify with ‘fundamental’ tenants of the dogma. How I express my faith in God or my personality, again, autonomous to myself—where there is no harm being wished or done on anyone, no crime done. Because I’m not any criminal-minded kind of person and never was .

And if belief is not the same, no offense taken nor do I seek to offend. I don’t need people I love to believe exactly the same. Nor should they need me to. That wouldn’t be very loving, objective, compassionate or understanding. And because I’m not a criminal and have never been, yet framed a few times over as one, I fully understand what it’s like to be accused while innocent of things you never did. Because you have a faith in God at all. Lessons gained in being ‘involuntary prey’ to criminal masterminds, nevertheless. It has to be the shifting of consciousness in the brain from that point.

I don’t claim victimhood to anything. Nor claim to ‘deserve’ bad things happening to me or those that are young and innocent, nor do I believe if they are happening it’s ‘not’ by fate ‘somehow’. Some timeline or another. Some Soul plan or another, on that higher level. Nor do I view myself capable of fighting the battles of Life alone. Without God I ‘truly’ wouldn’t be here. That ‘is’ my personal Faith.

I truly wouldn’t have made it through numerous storms or near death experiences. And this is the inner-most part of me, through it all, knowing why I hold the Faith I do, as a bit of a spiritual-rebel-wild-child I’ve been throughout life in ‘some’ ways, and likely always will; even if I abandoned fundamental religion for good. Religion was created by ‘man’ ‘for’ man. Purposes of power and control. God (Love Itself) is not boxed in by religion. How sad if that were the case.

To recognizing my ‘why’ do I not want to be on social media exactly as I am? Not belonging in any one box. Because of having to fight anything or anyone? ‘Defend myself’ -Then- ‘don’t fight or defend anything’, right? Simple enough. Often easier said than done when we are in the trenches of holding ourselves back.

All the more when they censor and plan attacks, because they’re not getting away with what they’re doing. Just the facts. ‘Take emotion out of it’. What happened, why is it relevant- how many others does it affect beyond me- and there’s the ‘why’ I ever do ‘what’ I do with regard to my personal perception and insight or things shared. To speak up on what I speak up on.

Yet why do I ‘not’ have the ability to keep emotion ‘out’ of it or stay quiet at all. I’m Empathic by Nature. I care by Nature. I get fired up by Nature, when it matters the most—I could be calm and just as stern. I hate having to be aggressive at all, but I can be that too. So, the process of ‘waiting to respond’ versus react, I am needing to focus on all the more.

Knowing I can only account for myself and those I’m accountable for. And maybe not responding at all where that is the right response too; other than to acknowledge that I’m logical but ‘very’ sensitive as well, if it wasn’t conveyed, and I do believe intuition works through ‘both’ vehicles, logic as well. So does fear.

Because I don’t want to accept that things are the way they are. If we want change, don’t we have to speak it into existence. Don’t we actually have to feel it!? Don’t we actually have to be motivated to make it happen? Wishing it different isn’t all its going to take. Accepting what we can’t change, sure, but definitely changing what we can. And holding ourselves accountable to.

What am I running from - confrontation to my own advice. True story (sometimes). We can know something and hold the wisdom, while lacking in applying it because we allow others to shoot it down. And sometimes those things are so random that come through and stir me up. Other times they’re not random at all. They’re pieces of my own heart and story and good memories or emotional ones; certain young lives I had the honor of meeting and being forever impacted by.

Forget about anything I could’ve gone through which pales in comparison to what these innocent children being trafficked and abused have had to face and endure. That’s a whole other level of Soul Pain I can’t even describe, but I tap into it.

My heart is truly pained by it. I can go to mentally dark places because of it. As it is that very thing that ‘actually’ enrages me. Innocent children being sold, used, beaten, abused as sex slaves. It’s more than I can or want to think about as any kind of reality in the world, and it’s in our face as we don’t want to look, because it’s that disturbing. It’s that unpalatable. But we ‘have’ to look. We have to ‘care’ or ‘we’ ‘don’t’ heal as a collective. We don’t advance into any higher integrated living.

It’s like an anger that doesn’t belong to me when I feel the actual ‘hatred’ toward those robbing the innocence of children. So, I have to reassess. Because I know I don’t ‘hate’ anyone and do see things from a higher perspective as much as possible. It’s my own spiritual growth.

to recognize that it’s ‘not’ the ‘person’ I hate, it’s ‘what’ they ‘do.’ The sheer evil of it. The feeling of righteous indignation that comes with emotion surrounding that person or situation and for the inalienable rights of the child.

And for some, it’s impossible to roll over and play dead. To see it and ignore. I can’t ignore it. I can’t play dead when I’m not. I’ve never been able to ignore anyone being bullied in front of me either. And I am thankful that I never became a broadcast journalist who had to rely on any corrupt media for a paycheck. Not a slight to any other but true fact for myself. Because if I had to rely on their journalism approvals, I’d have no job in that industry, or one that lasted anyway.

Real news doesn’t make news where sick, ‘rich’ criminal minded power-abusing humans are behind ownership of the news itself. So, when I cry for those children on the homeland and off, I ‘sob’ in prayer. And I ‘do’ feel too much anger at it at times—I have to be able to compartmentalize to ‘some’ degree or I’d lose myself and be no good for myself or anyone else….and I know how much God cares, because it’s merging of energy when I cry and pray over it all.

And I do feel why some on this planet stand in their purpose on blowing the lid on it; that concealed corruption and sickness in the highest offices of government and the pentagon—until it is so widely known, red flags are up and seen everywhere and communities standing up, taking extra precautions to combat the crimes, challenging the government, working together to investigate or imprison those whom need to be; and working together to ‘keep on’ rescuing children and women ‘out’ of it. To shed empathy, light, and awareness on it.

And once you’ve seen some of those children in person, you can’t forget. Not when it’s the young and innocent. Especially when you have three daughters of your own in present day. I wanted to adopt all of those children in the orphanages I visited, well before I was ever married and a mother to my own. They all instantly had and still have my heart, forever.

So, if they (corrupted agents) use social media as a weapon to silence or frame me in their own evil deeds, suppose I should have equal power and personal right to speak my defense on the same ‘communication’ ‘tool’ platform (how I use mine) in my only real identity to ‘not only defined myself but expose those levels of evil that God truly cares about the ‘most’, and allows me to feel the ‘deepest’ all the same.

Because if we lived in a democracy at all, one that wasn’t being censored, and Truth speakers (aka) ‘Whistleblowers’ were truly protected, and government ethics committees truly existed I don’t know about that last one; is it all just a game to them? Targeting their own U.S. civilians and ‘mothers’ alike…

I’ve seen the horrors in my mind's eye, lucid dreams, intuitive hits, and in addition to “real” life children. These are some sick, demonic possessed individuals who abuse them in any and every way. So, calling for policies in place for the governed to hold checks and balances ‘on’ the government itself. Only God can truly bring them to Light (fully) in His time and His way. And as I recount the events of my life, and all the time I ‘should’ve’ died or suffered even more, I recount the blessings more than anything. God was always in the story with me, no matter how bad it felt.

Sparing me of far worse that could’ve happened, and I could’ve been victim to. As much as He is in the recovery and healing stories of the little Angels who I had personally met and held in my arms; the little ones who’d seen way too much in their young lives; rescued out of such horrors, nevertheless—still far too young to know so much pain and abuse. And simultaneously smiling, joyful, and living in the moment—so resilient. It was the Soul experience in reality that ‘I needed’ to have. Well before having children of my own; and those children may forget me when they’re older, but I’ll never forget their faces and stories.

It broke me to see it firsthand and also inspired me so much so that I got a tattoo on my back “inner strength” in Khmer, official Cambodian language; to remind me of those children, any time I wanted to complain or think I had it bad at all. Which all intents served their purposes, as I was bartending and asked by one drunk patron or the next: “cool tribal art, what does it mean?” - instantly transported back in time like I was there but not there, and wanting to cry when he asked.

There’s nothing more humbling than seeing firsthand, children in third world poverty, naked in the middle of the road, begging at the border, playing in polluted waters, living in shacks, or being sold out by their own family members for money and put on display like a commodity, in the red light distinct where it took place. Driving through it, sobbing in the back of the truck to myself as I did seeing the documentaries on it my second to last semester of college, earlier on, having to hide my face in my arms because I couldn’t stop crying; deciding one day I would go and meet those children. The way in which a happened—that’s a whole other story. Divinely orchestrated at that.

It hits the heart and gut in ways we aren’t prepared for, even with all our preparations before seeing it with our own eyes, right in the slums they are living in. And why doesn’t the U.S. help them even more to put an end to that market for it? Because it’s American and European travelers venturing there ‘for’ such purposes, that feed the economy and perpetuate such evils and disparity. That’s the Truth. Americans are the market for it… how disgustingly sad.

Spending that month volunteering in S.E. Asia, I met such incredible children and youth aged girls in another home- between four orphanages throughout Thailand and the one in PoiPet, Cambodia. The “lucky” children to be rescued out of it, who’d been bought, sold, beaten numerous times by the age of 4,5,6 …I’m sure they themselves felt like it was ‘sheer luck’ ‘or’ an answer to their prayers, if there was a God.

It was a profoundly emotional and life changing trip. Only to go back to the superficial world I came from and feel more pain in such disparity— another month spent in NY with Christian family and pastors for uncles. Wanting to talk about it and being dismissed like “yeah, it’s so sad… anyway” and that angered me too—to reality tv a couple years later. Shame that came after, with unwanted attention for a show that I felt polarized in. Not being ‘true’ to myself.

A taste of Hollywood I wished I could’ve undone even as I was reliving its haunting, years later when Netflix picked up my season, as if I didn’t see exactly why that was. As if Hollywood Devils weren't trying to send me a message, I would soon enough have 'no' problem shedding light on. And fast forward through a whole lot more. And to this moment.

When Spirit tells you to 'start' the blog. Write the book. Start the business venture. Get up. Pray. Workout. Write the book. Quit the bad habits. Pray again. Write. Work. Write. Work. Pray. Play the guitar. Do something else creative and. Back to work. Spend time with the kids, with a friend, with the dog. Spend time in Nature. It’s OK and asking you to take this time to take leaps and bounds forward. To go and stay inward for a bit.

Focus, in Faith and commitment, on the most important relationships in my life, and tasks before me in any moment on that path forward; and The Path (God) will ‘take’ me forward; because the rest of the book is still unwritten, and that’s the part of the journey that makes Life a story worth living, or reading of another’s, in all the creative expression that came with it; just what the Soul came for…to share and to learn.

I’m pushing 40 and feel like I’ve been reborn. And I truly want to leave this world, in Divine Time, with a lasting, positive impact in some small or grand way. Even if it had to come through disruption. We are learning to recover ourselves and our true inner power, to make it rain with ‘positive’ new visions for ourselves and others, as we do share our stories.

To grow and leave that legacy behind for our children and the next generation of change makers and legacy builders. Over the course of the next 40-60 yrs to come should I make it into those years, to collectively be one of ‘those ones’ who came in and flipped the script to put the devil and corporate evils on their back. We have to ‘want’ the world we envision bad enough, to bring it into existence; and that starts with each of us.

Deciding and committing to leave the world better than it was when we came into it even if that’s just for one other person. So, cheers to the hardships, the failures, and the small victories and triumphs along the way. Cheers to Life in the making with ‘every’ new blank page ready to write…

Cheers to the birds and messengers in Creation—they are ‘styling’ our consciousness with their mere existence. As Christ said: ‘worry not’ -Even the birds don’t worry about what they’re going to eat, where they’re going to sleep. They remain open channels and ‘free’ to carry messages and symbols into our Awareness. Are we willing to listen?

Are we willing to flow into transitions with more grace and more air, than rocky and bumpy terrain. Believe we can, and yes humanity; full of Life, Light, Love, and Committed Efforts; we CAN and WE WILL…See it. Believe it. Achieve it.

And thanks, if you made it this far, for being here and being a part of my journey too. Send me a message, say hello! I wish you all good things to come, starting from within and the right mindset, Dear humanity. Dear, future generation of big and strong minds, Spirit, and hearts to come, all those who will one day lead the world into its golden age—I’m here for it and here to help pave that road toward Higher Consciousness.

And on a final note: this maybe the longest blog I’ll ever write on this site—but it covers a lot….and the ones to follow, will be far more concise I’m sure… May God bless us as we truly look to Life with an ‘opportunity for growth’ mindset—because it’s everything we need to keep evolving and putting in the efforts and input to ‘be’ so ‘lucky’ …

Yours Truly,


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